3 Thoughts on Disagreeing without Disconnecting
in case you didn't know, Esther Perel is a couples therapist, author, and podcaster based in NYC. I became a fan of hers many years ago, and am a member of her coaches and therapists network.
Recently, the topic was conflict and restlessness in modern love, and I'd like to share some of the insights with you.
In relationship work, conflict is often based in an inability to see the partner's point of view. This may start with a little bickering or silent treatment, but can devolve into contempt over time. Especially if it lingers and resentments don't get processed, the partners can become deadlocked, polarized, and solution-resistant.
If you're in a place in your relationship where you feel misunderstood and alone, you're in survival mode - acknowledging your partner's point of view might feel like a denial of yourself. Each person speaks in turn without being heard, and eventually might avoid conflict altogether, because there is no trust that requests will be acknowledged. The distances grow wider and the back-and-forth dance becomes a seemingly insolvable pattern.
Kind of like what is happening in many countries in the world right now.
Less furious, more curious
Having said that, in personal relationships, conflict isn't inherently bad. It's often not even a sign of a problem; it's just a point of friction that allows partners to negotiate what is important to them, help them feel empowered, set loving limits, and fight for the relationship they want to create.
The training centered around a supervision of a session Esther had with a couple. In a supervision, the therapist shares information about clients with other therapists to get their input into other ways how to interpret a situation, tips to move forward, and gain insight into their own blind spots. I can't share details about the case study for privacy reasons, but for the next time you're in conflict with your partner - or hey, it's the holiday season coming up, with your family members... - maybe it'll help you if you keep these in mind:
Contextualize and acknowledge that the fighting that's happening on a global and societal stage is entering our homes. Fight and flight reactions have intensified societally, culturally, and interpersonally. As much as possible, be patient with your own and your partner's shorter fuses.
Being in relationship isn't about objective reality, but about compassion. You don't have to agree with them, but you can always try to understand their point of view. For example, ask yourself
Which piece of their position is particularly difficult for you?
Feeling strongly about your own perspective, is there any area where you might have more than that one thought?
What could be possible without this mis-understanding?
You can disagree without disconnecting. Ideally, avoid binary thinking of right-wrong, sinner-saint, victim-perpetrator. You and your partner are whole complex human beings, and especially in conflict it becomes essential to hold space for complexities of history and circumstance.
Hope it's helpful, let me know how it goes.
❤️
