Do couples with the same Personality Type still fight?

This is a question that came up in my Wedding Planning webinar, and it’s a good one. 

If Type helps us improve our relationship because it helps us understand how our brains are wired differently, surely, there’s a lot less ‘relationship work’ if we’re wired the same?

Well, yes and no. Like I said on the call, Type explains a lot, but it doesn’t explain everything. People are super complex! And even though we may have the same Type preferences, we can still have different values, different priorities, and different frames of reference.

What makes us who we are is a mix of nature, nurture, context, and growth.

To think about nature and nurture, just look at your family: siblings who grow up with the same parents or in the same household have totally different personalities. Even mono-zygotic twins who share identical DNA have different Types. And yet, people of the same Type feel familiar to one another. Whether you’re from Argentina or Finland, Poland or Hong Kong, meeting someone with your Type preferences feels like meeting a friend.

To think about context and growth, 99.9% of people I’ve done Type work with have said, “I’m one thing at work but I’m different at home.” All that means is you adapt your behavior to whatever is appropriate and effective in any given context. You’ve also grown over time as you made life experiences, and added different skills and behaviors to your repertoire. Your ability to express your Type preferences has evolved, and yet you probably still feel connected to who you were as a teenager. 

How does conflict happen, and how do we get out of it?

Conflict happens when our intentions, values, or desired outcomes aren’t aligned. Conflict also happens when we feel misunderstood, rejected, left out, belittled, insecure, or unloved.

Knowing our Types helps us verbalize what is important to us and why. It’s that authentic, empathic, non-judgmental communication that gets a couple back on the same page.

If you have the same Type, your communication patterns are probably similar already. You won’t have to add much extra effort and match your partner’s style. But just because you have the same Type preferences doesn’t mean you know everything there is to know about your partner. They grew up in different surroundings, and will disagree with you at times.

Keep the lines of communication open, try to understand their point of view, and learn from every disagreement. 

In a long lasting marriage, making it through conflict is like collecting 100 rejection letters when you apply for a new job: they’re milestones and proof you’re still trying.