Flexible Monogamy & Erotic Recovery (Worksheet)
Ok, so I spent an evening this week on the couch with a cup of tea and Dr. Tammy Nelson đ (on Zoom, but still). If you havenât come across her, Tammy is a sexologist and couples therapist whoâs spent over 30 years working with couples on monogamy, affairs, and pretty much everything in between. She definitely came up a few times when I was writing my own paper. I went in expecting a refresher on open relationships. What I came out with was a worksheet I can't wait to use with my clients! If you'd like to see it, read on.
Most of us never actually chose our version of monogamy
Tammy started with something that sounds obvious until you try it on: most of us inherited our definition of monogamy rather than chose it. From family, religion, culture, the first person who broke our heart, the sitcoms we grew up with.
So two people can say "we're monogamous" in the same kitchen on the same day and mean completely different things. For one, it might mean no sex with anyone else. For the other, it might also mean no texting the ex, no "work wife," and no fantasies about the cute barista (good luck with that one).
Tammy talks about explicit agreements (the ones you've actually said out loud) and implicit ones (the ones you assume your partner shares). The implicit ones tend to be where betrayal hides. Often, partners donât set out to cheat. Maybe they just didnât realize there were two different contracts on the table until something spills out. She calls that a "can opener moment."
Flexible monogamy, the way Tammy uses it, can look like a completely closed relationship! What makes it flexible is that you both chose it out loud, and you get to revisit it as you change. Her goal is to make the unspoken stuff "talk-about-able" (and hey, so is mine! đŹ).
Why rules backfire
Adult romantic relationships have so many unconscious and hidden parent-child dynamics in them, itâs really worth paying attention to. For example,
"When you create rules, that's parentifying the relationship."
For example, the rule is âyou have to be home by midnight.â
Ok. Then it's 12:15.
Now what?
Someone has to enforce it? Someone has to face consequences? Suddenly the two adults who chose each other are negotiating curfew like a parent and a teenager. Super sexy.
A boundary sounds similar but lives somewhere else entirely. "If you're running late, I need to know you're safe" is about what I need, and it leaves you room to meet that need your way.
This is very much differentiation territory (hello, David Schnarch, Ellyn Bader, Pete Pearson, Martha KauppiâŚ). Can I hold onto my own need without having to control you in order to feel ok? That's a much harder question than "what are the rules," and also a much more grown-up one.
Tammy's suggestion is to swap the rules for values. Most of us want two things in our relationships: freedom and connection, and she invites couples to name three values that work as their North Star (e.g., honesty, family, privacy, curiosity, whatever is true for the two of you). Then the question becomes how you protect those values when things get wobbly.
Safety and trust are two different things
This one was a light bulb moment for me:
đĄ Safety is something a parent gives a child, while trust is what adults offer each other. And trust comes without a guarantee.
So when we ask a partner to make us feel safe, weâre asking (maybe without realizing it) for a promise that they'll never hurt us. Nobody can make that promise, not even the nicest person you've ever met.
Esther Perel fans will recognise the rest. The things that make a home feel safe are often the very things that drain the erotic charge out of it. As Tammy put it, âit's hard to feel erotically alive while making oatmeal for the kids every morning.â For a lot of couples, the longer they're together, the more they might need to protect a bit of space where each of them gets to be a separate, wanting person.
"Relationships are work" (and what that does to pleasure)
Someone asked how to help clients who honestly don't know what they want. Tammy's answer made me cringe a little, because I've said "relationships are work" more than once myself.
In her words, âif relationships are work, pleasure becomes the reward you earn once the work is done.â Work hard all week, binge on the weekend, back to the grind on Monday. No wonder so many people answer "what's your fantasy?" with something like "getting the kids on the bus on time."
"Pleasure is a resource that we all are entitled to."
And for a lot of women in particular, she noted, the training to dismiss anything below the neck started early. It's hard to ask for what you were taught not to feel.
Endings can be good outcomes too
Last one, because she said it almost in passing but I just had a similar case: We're great at beginnings and pretty bad at endings. Helping a couple part well can be a positive outcome of coaching, too. Not every gap between two people has to be crossed.
I find that oddly freeing. When saving the relationship is the only acceptable result, it gets really hard to be honest about what you want. As a practitioner, itâs not my job to âsaveâ anything anyway; my job is to create the conditions where you can find out for yourselves whatâs right for you.
So, what's your truth?
The thread running through all of it: a lot of relationship pain comes from agreements or expectations nobody ever made explicit, and from the parts of ourselves we tucked away because they didn't fit those agreements. Tammy calls opening those compartments âliving in integrity,â meaning all of you gets to be in the room, including the parts that want things. Let desire be what it is.
If you gave yourself permission to want what you want, what would you find out? And would your partner be surprised?
Get the worksheet
Tammy and Insight Timer have kindly made her worksheet available to share, and it's a lovely one. It walks you through what you inherited about monogamy, which values your boundaries are actually protecting, how time, attention, affection, and sex get shared out between you, and a green, yellow, and red map for the conversations you've been circling. Do it on your own first, then share whatever feels ok with your partner.
Pop your email in below and I'll send it straight over. â¨
And if it stirs up more than a worksheet can hold (it might!), schedule a free consult to talk it over and create an action plan together.
