Holistic extraverted Feeling (Fe-H) aka The Host in Relationships
Extraverted Feeling is the dominant function for ENFJ and ESFJ types. According to recent research by Dr. Dario Nardi, it can show up in two flavors. This post outlines the holistic extraverted Feeling version.
In addition to my own experiences and interpretations, these are the resources I quote and/or reference:
Berens, L. V. and Nardi, D. (2004) Understanding Yourself and Others, An Introduction to the Personality Type Code, p.11 https://amzn.to/3Glt53J
Jones, J. H. and Sherman, R. G. (2011) Intimacy and Type, p. 48 https://amzn.to/47NHe5k
Jung, C. G. (1976 edition) Psychological Types (The Collected Works), p.354ff https://amzn.to/46CJGuy
Nardi, D. (2023) Decode Your Personality - Go Beyond Myers-Briggs With 64 Brain-Based Subtypes, p. 352ff https://amzn.to/3GoU6mL
Thomson, L. (1998) Personality Type, An Owners Manual, p. 39ff https://amzn.to/4a3mxEy
In this post, we’ll go from the broad to the specific, starting with the function, Feeling, and then the function attitude extraverted Feeling, then the flavor, holistic extraverted Feeling, and finally how it shows up in relationships.
This is post #14 in a series of 16. If you’re following the series, you will note there’s some repetition, but in case this is the one and only post you follow, I want you to have all the information. So feel free to jump ahead.
My main references for this post are Carl Gustav Jung and Dr. Dario Nardi. Jung was a Swiss Psychiatrist who published his theory of psychological types in 1921, and Dario is a prolific researcher and author. He found evidence of psychological types in the neuroscience data captured by EEG assessments he’s been doing with people from all walks of life since 2006.
And in case we haven’t met, I’m Doris Füllgrabe, a certified coach with a masters in applied psychology, and I help people create happier, healthier relationships.
A few caveats before we begin, just to manage expectations and again in case this is the only post you follow:
1, these posts describe the functions in their purest state. Functions rarely show up in their purest state, as they interact with other functions and your brain is really active doing multiple things at any given time, like it’s regulating your body temperature and heart rate right now. So, you may not resonate with 100% of the description of this function 100% of the time, and that is normal.
2, these posts describe the function for this function type. You may not be this particular function type, which means this function may not be at the top or dominant in your consciousness. That’s ok, too, because it’s still in your system, you still have access to it, and paying attention to this function may help you recognize when it pops up out of your subconscious, so you can practice integrating it consciously. That will give you better control over it and you can reap its benefits.
The Feeling function is one of the two rational judging functions.
Rational, because it involves reasoning i.e. a process of reflection, and judging because it’s about making decisions.
The Feeling function helps us recognize shared values, consider other people’s feelings, and connect on personal levels.
It makes us empathic, merciful, and curious about human relationships.
It is adept at interpreting body language and tone of voice, committed to social and interpersonal responsibilities, but also relies on consensus and morality.
Dr. Linda Berens describes it this way:
“Feeling is a process of making evaluations based on what is important, where personal, interpersonal or universal values serve as guideposts. Using the cognitive process of Feeling, we engage personally with the information to decide according to the impact on people, appropriateness, harmony, likes, and dislikes. Weighing different values, considering ethical and moral issues, attending to personal and relationship goals, and having a belief in something all involve Feeling judgments.”
Moving on to the function attitude, extraverted Feeling, which is the dominant function for ESFJ and ENFJ.
What follows are Jung’s words, and his language from 100 years ago is a little different from how we speak today. He’s quite male-centric, so uses he/him when describing all functions that aren’t Feeling types. He also uses the word “object” to describe anything and anyone outside of you, and “subject” to describe yourself, you, the person.
Jung starts his chapter on Feeling types by saying it’s “undeniably a more obvious characteristic of feminine psychology than thinking”, and to my knowledge that might still bear out. When I did my MBTI certification (in 2010-ish) I remember hearing a statistic that 75% of men had thinking preferences and 75% of women had feeling preferences, although honestly, I’d love to take another look at more recent figures now that the public discourse about socializing girls and boys in the gender binary has evolved a little.
Jung also says that
“extraverted feeling is always in harmony with objective values, it has detached itself as much as possible from the subjective factor and subordinates itself entirely to the influence of the object, or traditional and generally accepted values and standards.”
Again, Jung using “object” in the sense of anything external to the individual, and “subject” as anything internal to the individual. The example he gives is that a feeling type might say a piece of art is “beautiful” because it would be impolite to criticize it. This doesn’t make the value judgment a lie, but it is an act of adjustment towards the greater good or harmony.
Jung continues:
“Without extraverted Feeling, a harmonious social life would be impossible. The woman of this type follows her feeling as a guide throughout life. As a result of upbringing her feeling has developed into an adjusted function subject to conscious control. Except in extreme cases, her feeling has a personal quality, even though she may have repressed the subjective factor to a large extent. Her personality appears adjusted in relation to external conditions.”
Again, men can have dominant extraverted Feeling preferences as well.
When overdone, extraverted Feeling
“may satisfy aesthetic expectations, but it does not speak to the heart; It has become sterile.” and “having lost all human warmth; it gives the impression of being put on, fickle, unreliable, and in the worst cases hysterical.”
The sad paradox is that the extraverted feeling type wants to establish connection and harmonize with their surroundings, so they might double down on fake exaggerations and estrange others even more.
Since someone’s feeling values harmonize with objective situations, Jung says
“this is seen nowhere more clearly than in her love choice: the suitable man is loved, and no one else; he is suitable not because he appeals to her hidden subjective nature, about which she actually knows nothing - but because he comes up to all reasonable expectations in the matter of age, position, income, size and respectability of his family, etc.”
Jung admits this sounds cynical, so he adds that he is “fully convinced that the love feeling of this type is in perfect accord with her choice”, so it’s not just endured or calculated, but genuine. He adds,
“There are countless reasonable marriages of this kind and they are by no means the worst. These women are good companions and excellent mothers so long as the husbands and children are blessed with the conventional psychic constitution.”
Analytic/Holistic Flavor overview
So much for the function and the function attitude, now we’re moving into the flavor.
The one we’re looking at here is the holistic style, or flavor, which is focused on getting input and going with the flow. It’s more open ended, and looks like patience and relaxation.
That’s not to say it’s flaky, it considers all aspects at once, which allows it to connect ideas in fresh and new ways.
Its approach is bottom-up, open to discovery and synergy, wherever the data might lead.
People of this style like to find new tools and solutions, and are so aware of their biases they might lack the confidence to make a change.
The style is often more auditory.
It pays attention to how things are said, but also ethics, intentions, and emotions.
Thinking is often figurative and might focus on identity and values, and they often describe using metaphors.
In business, it’s more comfortable with an egalitarian and collaborative approach.
Likely careers for those with a holistic style include creative arts, social services, humanistic pursuits, soft sciences, and multiculturalism.
Dario calls the holistic extraverted Feeling Type the “Host”.
These types enjoy supporting their community, family, and friends. They like taking care of everyone’s needs, are very empathic to the feelings of everyone they’re in contact with, and highly sensitive even to the emotional charges of other people they might just be observing.
They value harmony with others over being right. They’re likely to take negative feedback personally.
Unlike their analytic sibling, their self-sacrifice shows up in many smalls ways instead of one or two big ones. They’re the type who wakes up in midlife in an empty nest, wondering who to take care of next, until it hopefully occurs to them to put themselves on their list of priorities. Dario called this “holding space for others,” and if you have these preferences you know exactly what he means by it: making sure that everyone feels free and empowered to be themselves, while personally keeping oneself a bit off to the side.
Holistic extraverted feeling types also more easily accommodate people's many differences. They tend to have a well-developed diplomatic skill-set in that they tread carefully and make sure to be politically correct. Dario adds they are likely to remember the small details about you others may not pay attention to, but at the same time they can find themselves “caught up in numerous tiny dramas”.
Caveats for the relationship information:
I want to remind you that all types can and do have relationships with all other types. Just like you wouldn’t hire an employee based on their type, you shouldn’t choose a partner solely based on their type either, because yes, it explains a lot, but people are much more complex than that. Still, type is the best framework I know to understand, and then bridge our differences, no matter who you’re with.
Also, to my knowledge, there is no reliable statistical research into people’s types and sexual preferences as yet, so what I suggest may or may not resonate. However, if you’d like to take part in such research, please email me.
in dating
you might meet hosts at their own party, a local coffee shop, or if you’re standing on a street corner looking lost, they’ll approach you and offer directions.
Like their analytic siblings, these types enjoy meeting new people, smiling, laughing, chatting away - but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re romantically interested. You also might hear different stories about them, since they tend to adapt to who they have in front of them. Not out of falseness or insecurity, but because they respect everyone’s values and want to make you feel the most at ease.
They also delight in knowing others and connecting with them at a deep and meaningful level. During conversations on your dates, they will likely ask you a lot of questions, and spontaneously share stories about themselves in an attempt to find things you have in common. Even if you end up staying friends, when they ask you how you are, they want to hear the honest answer and not just “fine”.
in mating
Hosts are likely to identify as demisexual, where sexual attraction comes after a romantic interest or attraction. That’s not to say they don’t like one-night-stands, but they probably don’t go into them thinking that’s what they’ll be. There’s always the hope of, “maybe they’ll call”.
Like their analytic siblings, it might take them a while to get over norms they grew up with, and unlearn traditional ideas about sex, like when you should have it, how many partners are too many, or which position is too naughty.
Over time and with growing experience, they might become more open to exploring new ways and adding to their existing menu of doing things. Either way, sex is a great way of establishing intimate connections, so they’re going to view it as an important aspect of loving relationships.
in relating
as partners, these types will be loving and supportive, loyal and responsible. They are skilled at communicating their values, feelings, and thoughts and love talking about your relationship. Since they give so much of themselves over to maintaining harmony, there’s the potential for enmeshment or codependency, which can turn into resentment if the same level of care isn’t reciprocated.
Like their analytic siblings, hosts also tend to have large friend groups that they will want to spend time with, so if you have type preferences where you enjoy having alone time or autonomy, you might be a good match.
Be mindful of their sensitive feelings, and ideally communicate any complaints you have referencing the object, not the subject. These types might avoid conflict because they’re afraid it might jeopardize the whole relationship, so ensuring them of your continued love and support is going to be helpful.
Again, this information is meant as an overview of the function and its flavor, it cannot describe all the nuances and individual idiosyncrasies - but I hope you now have a better idea.
If you think you are an holistic extraverted Feeling type, or have a partner of that type, I’d love to hear from you!
