Why you shouldn't rely on social media for relationship advice

Before we dive in, please take a moment and ​let me know your biggest relationship issue here. It's a completely anonymous form and will help me serve you better. Thanks!

Scrolling Instagram is my guilty pleasure. I follow a lot of other coaches with different specialities, and on a good day I get a variety of insights, reminders, and new ways to think about my favorite topics. More often than not, however, the algorithm suggests content like “quick tips” and “secret strategies” that use a lot of brainy-sounding vocabulary while peddling ineffective, superficial platitudes. (I also follow birdwatchers, zen doodlers, puppies, British comedians, and gardening tips, so it’s not all work. 😉)

During a recent scroll, a thought popped into my head: what if someone is looking at this relationship advice not from a collegial or peer perspective, but as an actual seeker who is currently unhappy and trying to fix a problem? And I got very worried. So if you’re currently relying on getting your relationship advice from Insta (or any other social channel), please read on:

Social Media is a business

Whenever you read any relationship advice online, please keep in mind that the titles are polarizing to get you to click, and then the content is just vague enough to keep you reading on the page as long as possible. In the case of websites or blogs it’s usually so they can serve you ads, in the case of social media, it’s to keep you not on the profile of that coach you like and follow, but on the platform as a whole.

While these platforms have absolutely contributed to, e.g., friends reuniting or global justice efforts, please keep in mind they are businesses which means they are organized around making money. That is their goal, not helping you connect with friends or teaching you high quality content.

Quality vs quantity content

If you are consuming online content about how to make your relationship better, please keep in mind that you are no longer in the driver’s seat; you’ve hopped on a bus that’s designed to stop at all the advertisement stations. The ticket may look free, but you’re actually paying with your time and attention (i.e., something that once it’s gone, you can’t get it back).

On this bus, the quality of the content is only secondary. Anyone can post anything, there are no gate keepers anymore, and also no quality control. Please keep in mind that just because someone has a million followers doesn’t mean they’re good at teaching relationship skills; it more than likely means they’re good at social media marketing skills. (Yes, some can do both; no, not that many.)

How to be a discerning learner

It used to be - and still is in many ways - that solid education is only available behind paywalls and high towers of academic institutions. I disagree with hoarding knowledge like that, which is why I went to great lengths to insist on making my own research paper available open access.

On "the socials," trustworthy knowledge is heavily outnumbered by readily-available tips and tricks that are outdated, wrong, or worse - manipulative and misleading.

Unfortunately, the onus of discerning between good and bad information in the mountain that is published every minute falls on us, the consumers, and most of us don’t have time to do all the checking ourselves.

For those of you looking for reliable relationship advice, my recommendations are:

a) Take time to educate yourself. Don’t base your opinion on one tweet or one reel, and don’t just believe everything you see or read, either. When you see someone on socials that you like, find their website, read their blog, or read their book if they have one. Figure out if this person’s point of view actually resonates with you and your situation, or whether you were just following them because the algorithm suggested them.

Also, quick roadmaps and easy turnkey solutions are tempting, especially if you’re frustrated and just want to feel better again, but frameworks that provide the scaffolding for you to fill with your own experiences are more helpful for establishing longterm wellbeing, and actually setting your (next) relationship up for success.

b) Avoid self-diagnosing. Remember that online advice may sound good, but not actually apply to you. Only talking with an actual professional will help you stop thinking you have all the symptoms and syndromes, and start challenging the stories you’re telling yourself, so you can move forward stronger. Fixing your relationship problems has to be a tailored approach; even proper psychology research is always limited by the great confounding factor of individual differences - as evidenced, e.g., by twin studies (where two people with identical genetics can have completely different attitudes, biases, and behaviors).

c) Make sure you’re learning from updated sources. For instance, a lot of the attachment or trauma-informed “body keeps the score” content that has been making the rounds for the last few years have studies to back them up, sure. But more recent research has also called a lot of those assumptions into question, e.g., Lisa Feldman Barrett’s theory of constructed emotion, or Kathleen Wallace’s thesis of the network self.

In other words, social media platforms are businesses that are optimized for often unverified but attention-grabbing, superficial content, which in my view makes them pretty unreliable. On the other hand, please keep in mind that reliable and effective relationship advice is tailored and takes time to process.