5 Relationship Hacks for NF / Catalysts to Improve Communication
Improving relationship communication is one of the top two goals for all my clients. NF Types are often seen as big ol’ loving softies, but the one thing you have to know about them is that they can also be very direct and very demanding. Knowing how to communicate with an NF type so they’ll hear you, and - if you’re an NF type yourself - knowing how to get your point across, will improve your relationship overall, so let’s get started with these 5 hacks.
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You have to know what you’re working with. You probably know the differences between ST and NF types, but within the NF Catalysts there’s variety as well, of course. Consider the difference between directing and informing language as explained by Dr. Linda Berens in her Interaction Styles model, where e.g. INFJ and ENFJ use directing, and INFP and ENFP use informing language.
As a quick example, someone with an informing style might say, “hm, it’s getting chilly in here” whereas someone with a directing style might say “hey, can you close the window please?”
We all use versions of both depending on context and who we’re with, but again, your type preference comes with a natural tendency to use one style over the other.
The directing partner can sound quite bossy or curt, but that’s not out of malice, it’s because there’s a focus on time and effectiveness. The informing partner on the other hand can sound quite vague, leaving their partner confused at what to do, and in the end not getting what they need.
With this awareness and practice, the directing types can learn to soften their tone, and informing types can practice stating what they’re actually after. In other words, if your partner has an informing communication style, now you know to ask whether they were just chatting, or whether there’s a hidden request somewhere between the lines you maybe didn’t pick up on.
Along similar lines,
Voice your concerns
This may depend on how safe you already feel in the relationship.
Especially Fe types (INFJ and ENFJ) often downplay their own needs to maintain harmony and not jeopardize the relationship.
Similarly, the introverted NFs (INFJ, INFP) may have all the most important conversations in their heads. Well, your partner isn’t a mind-reader, so you’ll have to say things out loud to them. This might seem skewed in favor of the extraverts, but not everything is a type-thing, this really is just a human relationship thing. At least in the beginning you have to be vocal. Once you’ve been together and lived together forever, you’ll get to the communicate with just a look stage, but it takes time to get there. So,
if you feel something, say something.
If you need something, say something.
The added bonus is you’re not giving resentments a chance to fester, but catch them while they’re small and still manageable.
Think of your relationship as a garden - pull up the weeds early.
Photo by Sandie Clarke on Unsplash
In the number 3 spot, this is the quickest and most impactful hack, in my opinion:
Only have important conversations when you're fed and rested.
You know what it’s like, when you’re already annoyed, it’s been a long day, or you’re hungry or tired, your brain and nervous system are busy keeping you alive and alert, which means they don’t have much resources left to also be nice and gentle and respectful. So, wait until you’re fed and rested to discuss relationship decisions, because if you don’t, in the words of George Michael’s first solo hit Careless Whisper, you’d just hurt each other with the things you want to say.
Assume your partner loves and supports you, and isn't out to get you.
Especially NF types who weren't, or didn't feel accepted as children have a hard time believing people might love them just as they are. To an insecure mind, there are a multitude of potential triggers in even the smallest sigh.
If you’re the anxious or insecure NF, practice regulating your nervous system and take deep breaths. Not every criticism or disagreement means they hate you. I know it feels like that, but that’s just your brain tricking you into thinking you’re 5 years old again and your life depends on this person.
That’s no longer true. You’re an adult with skills and resources, and since you know about Type, you know your partner isn’t ticking you off on purpose, it’s just their brains are wired differently.
Obviously if you’re with a very egocentric, abusive, or gas-lighting partner this does not apply. If the times you feel criticized and rejected outweigh the times you feel loved and cherished more than 1:5, research by the Gottman Institute shows that you’d be better off getting out of there. Otherwise, give them the benefit of the doubt and see what happens.
Finally, and I think it might be the hardest one for NF types to learn (at least it is for me), if you don't really show who you are, warts and all, your connection isn’t real.
Be all of yourself.
A lot of people say you have to love yourself first BEFORE you can have a great relationship, but I think you can learn to love yourself with the help of a supportive partner as well. They can help you heal a bunch of those old things you’re still carrying that no longer make sense, really.
Because look at you, you’re badass! I love Brené Brown’s quote for this,
you are worthy of love and belonging,
and you don’t have to be perfect because newsflash, nobody is.
People will still love you even if you mess up, because guess what, they mess up too. In fact, that’s the whole deal with being human.
The more you hold back, the more disconnected you will feel, and that’s hurting you and your partner. Likewise, if you’re with an NF Catalyst and you’re faking it, they can tell.
What the NFJs want most aside from personal growth and meaning, is connection. To connect with someone else means being vulnerable and showing your dark stuff, and NFs are great at loving other people’s dark stuff, so you can do them a favor by showing them who you are in all facets. They’ll feel valued and honored, and they’ll help you grow into the most amazing version of yourself.
The paradox is NF Catalysts either tend to think they don’t have any dark stuff, because it’s literally sooo far pushed down they have no conscious access to it, or they’re so perfectionistic that they’re aware of their flaws to the point it makes them self conscious, and they try to actively hide the flaws so they don’t threaten the relationship.
Now, summing up the 5 NF communication hacks are
know when to switch between directing and informing language
voice your concerns out loud
have the big conversations only when you’re fed and rested
assume your partner loves you, and
be all of yourself.
It’s the advice you give to everyone else and it applies to you as well. ;-)
Let me know which one you're going to try, and which ones I've missed that work for you?
