How to heal a broken heart and come back stronger
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Heartbreak is powerful, common, and actually more dramatic than almost anything we ever experience
Heartbroken people have similar dopamine activation as heroine users on withdrawal. As far as the brain’s concerned, when you’re in love it’s not “like” you’re addicted, you’re addicted.
This is why heartbroken people sometimes behave completely out of character.
Also, because your brain and nervous system were used to co-regulating with this other person, now they’re gone it’s literally like a part of you has gone missing.
Recovery from heart break is a reformulation of your identity
That reformulation can be cosmetic / surface level, or a gut renovation. It’s an opportunity to get (back) to the essence of you.
This is especially the case if you broke up a monogamous relationship, where your identity was probably quite enmeshed with, or focused on one person.
Monogamous partners are often completely blind-sided by a break-up, and only recognize some flags in hindsight.
Having said that, breakups in consensual non-monogamous relationships are also hard and also come with redefining opportunities, but since there usually was a good focus on autonomy and self reliance, as well as transparent communication throughout the relationship, non-monogamous breakups may not be as much of a surprise.
Non-monogamous relationships tend to take a more organic view; everyone changes, so everything changes, so relationships change, which means break-ups don’t usually come with a black-or-white ultimatums that monogamous relationships have. Even though you may have children together, your partnership can change into something platonic.
Thankfully, the conscious uncoupling movement has shown that monogamous separations can also be amicable and you don’t have to hate your ex, indeed it might be better for everyone involved if you try to be rational adults about it. But of course that’s sometimes easier said than done.
Getting Over Your Ex
So again, recovery of heart break is a reformulation of your identity. The reformulation can be superficial or profound. I would say honor the time it takes to grieve the ending of your relationship, and give yourself some time to move into the identity reformulation piece.
I might be easier to redefine who you are without them, once you’re over them. How long will that take? Hard to say.
But, until you’re over them, no contact is probably the best idea. Unfollow, unsubscribe, and for the love of Pete, don’t drunk-text them if you can help it.
You’ll know you’re over them when their name or memories no longer activate you or make you feel distressed.
When you’re no longer angry about how things ended, nor disappointed, and you can talk about what could have been without feeling sad or wistful. In other words, when you’re no longer attached to the dreams and expectations you had for that person or that relationship.
There’s no set time limit for how long it takes to get over someone. Of course you can talk to your friends, but unless they’re trained professionals, they’ll have their own stuff going on. So if you’ve been feeling stuck for a few months, I suggest you seek a coach or a therapist to talk to and help you get out of that loop.
Self-Coaching / Journaling Prompts
Or, if you’re feeling ready, do some journaling with the following questions.
To get the most out of this journaling exercise, make sure you have time set aside. Don’t rush them. Maybe do some deep breathing before as well, because you want to feel relaxed and safe as you tackle these one by one.
Imagine you’re sitting on the top of a hill, or in a green meadow, or by a meandering river, wherever you feel warm and safe. Imagine you are asking a wise person, and this wise person is your highest self. What would they say? And try asking the questions the way they’re posed, i.e. “what would YOU do…”, don’t ask yourself “what would I do.” That’ll allow your highest self to remain in that observer position without getting caught up in the details.
The questions are organized in three parts. Here’s Part 1. Deep breath.
Who were you before entering in this relationship?
Which new or hidden parts of you came out during it?
What did you learn about yourself?
Which parts of you did you play down, ignore, or actively suppress?
How did that feel? Did that feeling change over time?
Why did this relationship have to end?
Who are you now?
Go as deep as you can, and remember, this is about your identity, your experience, and ultimately your part in this break-up. This exercise is not to shame you or blame you, but to understand why you felt you had to do what you did, so you can recognize those triggers in your next relationship, and maybe handle them differently.
To be very clear, these questions are for relationships that ended for any number of reasons, except in cases where you were the victim of emotional, verbal or physical abuse, or your partner had untreated psychiatric conditions, or untreated self-medication or substance abuse issues. None of those you would have had any control over. If you were in an abusive relationship, this is not the support you need. Feel yourself hugged - and now go talk to a therapist to help you heal from that experience. You’re worth it.
For everyone else - let’s continue. Part 2. Deep breath, and reconnect to the wisest self within you.
What was an unspoken expectation that you carried with you?
What stopped you from communicating all your needs out loud? What was that quiet part of you protecting?
What was a recurring issue or fight you had?
Thinking back to previous relationships that ended, what patterns do you notice?
Who did you have to be, to make yourself fit into those relationships that ended?
Who did you become over time?
Part 3. Another deep breath, and with genuine curiosity and an open heart, ask that wisest self within you.
Looking at all the new parts of yourself you met during this relationship that ended, which ones will be helpful in future relationships? Which do you want to carry forward?
Acknowledging all the parts of yourself you’ve been suppressing, and thanking them for protecting those vulnerable parts of you that weren’t ready to be seen, how can you gently integrate them in future relationships?
Who do you want to be?
Who do you want to be?
If anything were possible quickly, easily, and if you knew that everyone involved would benefit and be thrilled for you, who do you want to be?
Now, if you’ve actually taken time to journal your answers, please hug yourself, seriously, and sway back and forth a bit, your vagus nerve is going to like that and help you feel safe in your body.
Speaking of, part of the recovery is reclaiming your erotic self. So let’s close with the very interesting question,
When are you ready to have sex again?
For some people, sex is easier than intimacy. And you might have already gone out and been with someone else. Good for you, be safe, do what works.
If you need intimacy first, it’ll depend on when you’re able to trust again. Basically, you’ll know when you’re not ready. Look for those moments where your mind and body indicate enthusiastic consent, in all other cases, say no.
First sex after heartbreak might be weird, because you’ll probably think of your ex, but as Guy Winch said in the 2019 Esther Perel workshop I went to:
“There’s only one way to find out: if you can get through it without crying or throwing up, you’re good to go.”
As always, if you'd like to talk about any of your experiences, just reply to this email or book a free convo below.
In the meantime
I've compiled a free, comprehensive guide for mature couples who want to learn about and avoid "gray divorce", and
I was interviewed by Truity about how to deal with social media envy!
Hope you check them out!
