CORE Communication Insights

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."

James Baldwin

Self- and other-perception is a tricky but interesting thing. You only ever know yourself from the inside, but not how others experience you.

We tend to judge ourselves by our intentions because we know them intimately. Yet when we judge someone else, it's by their actions and how those made us feel - disregarding that their intentions may have been different.

The most effective way to make the hidden visible is by verbalizing what's happening on the inside. Once out in the open, it can be discussed.

Treat others the way *they* want to be treated.

Personality Type knowledge helps translate the things that are not immediately recognizable, e.g. what kind of information we pay attention to and trust, or how we use language and tone of voice to get our message across.

Effective communication looks different for everyone, but it’s so important and influencing every relationship in so many ways, that it's the leading relationship issue mentioned by those who have taken my quiz.

Communication is also so complex that we can’t possibly cover every detail, but I'd like to teach you one lens to keep in mind to get you started.

Please read with an eye on what your preferences are, and what your partner’s preferences are. (If you don't know, you can schedule a self-discovery process here.) If you’re reading together - even better! Pause and compare notes as you go along.

Something to keep in mind as we’re comparing and contrasting the different patterns in general is that we tend to assume people are like us. Makes sense, right? The way we’re doing life is obviously the best way, otherwise we wouldn’t be doing it. And when we see people behave differently, well, they must be lazy, crazy, or weird.

Sounds harsh, I know, I’m just acknowledging that this is a perfectly normal human reaction. But we’re trying to work mindfully here, so when that kind of judgment creeps up, take a breath, and remember “different, not better or worse”.

Core Communication Styles

Catalyst types (xNFx) have a talent for diplomacy, building bridges, and connecting with others. They value the personal relationship, authenticity, and personal growth above all. So, they often praise others, like to inspire others, and enlighten them with (usually very empathic) insights. Their language is global, so using broad, general terms which allow the partner to add their own interpretation, but that can be vague and lead to misunderstandings. Catalyst types love to talk about the relationship and the future.

Theorist types (xNTx) have a talent for strategy, analyzing, and categorizing. They value competence and autonomy above all. So, they often critique others and themselves in an effort to help improve their argument or their project. Their language is precise, they really want words to express exactly what they mean. They also use conditionals like “if… then”, or “hypothetically speaking”, to reflect the theoretical approach they take to life in general. Theorist types love talking about universally applicable and timeless ideas and concepts.

Stabilizer types (xSxJ) have a talent for logistics, protecting, and preserving. They value belonging, responsibility, service and duty above all. So, they easily point out when something is wrong, missing, or doesn’t meet their standards. They often compare one thing to another, and like using customary language, that’s slang or jargon that shows they’re part of a specific group. Stabilizer types love referencing what’s happened in the past, because it gives them a sense of how to plan for the future.

Improviser types (xSxP) have a tactical talent, and are natural performers and troubleshooters. They often use contextual anecdotes that illustrate what they want to say, and they’re great at bringing abstract concepts to life. They also use colorful language, and if you don’t know what the current buzzwords are, your improviser can probably make you a new one. Improviser types love talking about what’s happening right here and now, because being one with their environment enhances their sense of freedom and impact.

Remember, we tend to assume people think like us.

If you're trying to engage with or convince someone who has a different style from yours, here's an overview of the insights, how to adapt what you say, and how you say it:

Adapted from Dr. Linda Berens’s work on Essential Motivators.

How do you see these playing out in your relationships?