Two Exercises to Discover the Root of What Triggers You
Last week, we talked about how other feelings are often hiding underneath anger. Keeping feelings hidden takes energy away from the energy it takes to have an intimate, passionate, and amazing relationship.
So let's look at what’s at the root of your anger and what you can do about it.
You Only Thought You Left Home
You absorbed a lot of beliefs and family patterns growing up, and you unknowingly brought many to your relationships:
Who did what jobs? People have a tendency to expect the woman to do what their mom did and the man to do what their father did.
It doesn’t matter if one of the parents was absent. Adult children form expectations of their partners based upon their parents.
If you and your partner are the same gender, you still carry expectations of the relationship based upon what happened in your family.
What were the family customs and traditions? People bring the familiarity of their traditions with them.
Your new family, you and your partner, want to establish new traditions. You may each want to bring some “old” traditions with you.
Each partner also brings with them negative or unhealthy beliefs and behavior patterns. This may mean having unreasonable expectations. You can’t expect your partner to relate to you in the way one or both of your parents did.
When a parental behavior pattern caused pain when you were a child, if your partner exhibits that pattern, the pain could re-surface. This leads to misinterpretations of what your partner said or did.
The average family had good times and not so good times. Be aware that both left an imprint upon you which can be triggered by something your partner says or does.
The key is to become aware of what triggers you.
Just as you carry imprints from your family, you carry imprints from past relationships. When a past partner exhibited the worst aspect of one of your parents, the imprint deepened.
If one parent abandoned the family, and your past partner abandoned you, you might have formed an expectation of abandonment. This can result in misinterpreting things your partner may want, such as a night out alone with friends, as abandonment.
Tools and Techniques for Awareness
Discovering the source of emotional reactions requires a willingness to discover things hidden within you. Back to the Johari Window, you’d be enlarging the blocks which are currently hidden from you.
Some of what you discover could be painful but once you’re aware of what is happening, you can make decisions on how to respond rather than reacting out of pain.
Discovery Exercises
Some people prefer to do this type of self-discovery alone.
For these exercises, the old-fashioned way is best. Find a time where you won't be disturbed. Turn off your screens. You'll need paper and something to write with. The reason not to use a computer is because your brain responds differently, and your subconscious unlocks more readily, when your hand moves through writing:
List all the ways you’re like each parent. If other family members raised you, use them for this exercise.
List things you like and don’t like about yourself. List those things people have said, “You’re just like your Dad,” even if you don’t agree.
Next to each characteristic, jot a note as to how you see that in your relationship.
Put a checkmark next to the characteristics which you see in your partner.
On separate sheets of paper, write the most common challenges in your relationship. Just one challenge per page.
On the page with each challenge, write out how your parents or primary caregiver would respond to the challenge.
Are you and your partner acting as one of your parents would?
What upsets you the most about the particular challenge you’re having? How is this similar to what happened in your family?
You can always ask someone else to assist you with these exercises. They will see things in you that you don’t see (the "Blind" spot). That can be tough, but it will also be enlightening.
The Power of Clearing Exercises
Clearing exercises assist you and your partner in understanding what is going on with each of you. You’re sitting across from each other, having eye contact. Just as in Reflective Listening, one person speaks and the other listens.
Although the clearing exercise is simple, it may take a few times to feel comfortable with the flow.
1. “I feel…”
This is where you take responsibility for your feelings.
e.g. “I feel hurt…”
2. “... when you…”
You clearly state the event in a clear and calm manner.
e.g. “... when you didn’t remember to pick up my clothes at the cleaners.”
3. “This reminds me of when…”
What does this remind you of from your childhood? If you have difficulty with this, recall the incident you are remembering and ask yourself how old you felt when it happened. Once you have the age, recall what was happening in your family at that time.
e.g. “This reminds me of all the promises my parents made and never kept.”
Use the clearing process as often as needed. Use Reflective Listening if your partner isn’t clear on what you said.
Your reaction to things your partner says and does is often based in the past.
By using the discovery and clearing exercises, you both can come to a better understanding about what is behind your reactions.
Reflection
Recall the last major disagreement you and your partner had. List three ways you reacted like you did when growing up.
In that disagreement, list three ways your partner reacted like one or both parents when you were growing up.
