Destructive Relationship Games: How to Spot them, How to Stop them
Communication is about being honest with each other. It’s also about the intimacy of revealing yourself to each other.
When you share honestly and deeply, you will achieve true intimacy and trust. But we're humans, not saints, so sometimes, things get in the way even though we don't want them to.
We've talked about how to communicate with each other in a way that clears confusion, now it’s time to look at relationship games we play.
These games block intimacy and distract you from the truth of your relationship.
The Blame Game
We all make mistakes. Luckily, a mistake is something you learn from and have the power to rectify by doing things differently in the future. An experience like that is only wasted if you refuse to take responsibility and, therefore, don’t learn or change.
It’s tough to accept personal responsibility for your mistakes. They cause feelings ranging from shame to anger to powerlessness. And your ego usually works overtime to stop you from feeling any of those.
A quick way to recognize the blame game is when an excuse begins with, “If it weren’t for you....”
e.g. If it weren’t for you, I’d have a fulfilling job. e.g. It's your fault I don't have my degree. e.g. I can't pursue my passion because of you.
There are times someone or something else is to blame, but we're not talking about institutionalized racism or misogyny right now.
Blaming your partner for your circumstances puts you in a place of powerlessness. Taking responsibility means you have agency to change your situation.
Once you realize you're playing the blame game, apologize to your partner, and be gentle with your ego. It's only trying to keep you safe. Know that you can set a new goal and begin again.
"Yes, But…"
The rules for this game are basically, “I’m going to show you that I’m right and there really is no solution.”
There are three actors in this game:
A problem needing to be solved
A person asking for help… who doesn’t really want it
A person or group who wants to help
We've all played this game before. If you were the one giving a solution, you know how frustrating it can be.
If you were the one seeking a solution, it’s time to discover that you don’t need to be a victim.
Consider this:
This game is usually begun by someone who wants attention, not help.
They have an unconscious desire to show what a hopeless place they’re in.
They want to prove that the expert is wrong.
They have a hidden fear of taking action and doing what’s necessary to change the situation.
There is a lack of understanding about the subconscious mind.
If you don't want to solve your problem, your subconscious mind will support you by helping you come up with excuses.
If your true intention is to find a solution, you’ll have an attitude of openness and be ready to problem solve. Your subconscious mind will help you find solutions.
The key to ending this game is in the hands of the one asking for help. They will need to examine the underlying blockage to change, and adopting a mind-set of being genuinely curious about what a solution could be.
Destructive relationship games are communication or behavioral patterns that interfere with honest, vulnerable communication.
If your interaction leaves you not knowing what your partner is thinking or feeling, a relationship game is probably afoot.
Relationship games flourish when you don't take responsibility, act like a victim, and don't make time for open communication. These games are patterns of behavior in which either one person wins, or no one wins. The relationship certainly loses. The solution to all relationship games is honest communication.
Reflection
What do you do that prevents you and your partner from talking honestly about what is happening in your life?
What does your partner do which prevents the two of you from talking honestly about what is happening in your life?
Set a time and date to sit down with your partner and talk honestly and openly about your life.
