Recognize and Manage Fear of Rejection and Abandonment
Relationship fears are often based in our childhood experiences, and when left unexamined can cause complications for our adult selves. Let's look at how they usually present, and strategies to overcome them.
Fear of Rejection
With fear of rejection, you believe that people aren’t going to want to have anything to do with you because of what you say, how you look, what you do, or other criteria that resulted in feeling rejected when you were a child.
Here's how it might show up today:
You avoid being authentic and emotionally intimate with your partner because you fear they won’t like who you really are.
You misinterpret comments or actions from your partner, causing tension between you.
You have an underlying belief that you're a bad person.
Over time, you may be reluctant to join groups, or avoid forming new friendships.
You’re tense and nervous, feeling like an imposter, because you’re waiting for people to tell you they don’t want you anymore.
Fear of Abandonment
Abandonment fears usually stem from a traumatic loss you experienced in childhood. This could be the death of a parent or primary caregiver, or your parents' divorce. Not having the emotional care and nurturing you needed to process that loss may lead to anxiety and PTSD as an adult.
Fear of abandonment shows itself in many ways. The fear generally revolves around being left by the significant people in your life.
This fear can show up as:
Choosing unavailable partners to reinforce the status quo, because you're used to it and there's a safety to having your expectation fulfilled.
Being clingy or controlling in a relationship because you don’t like being alone and don't trust your partner will be there.
Being jealous for no reason because you’re afraid someone will take your partner away from you.
Sabotaging your relationship and emotionally distancing yourself, so it won’t hurt as much if your partner leaves you (again, expecting they will, and repeating the pattern that is known and therefore comfortable).
Strategies to Overcome Fears
There are a number of ways to overcome fear. They range from cognitive therapy, to hypnosis, to energy healing, to affirmations. For some people, one method works wonderfully. For others, a combination of methods is needed.
The most effective way I know to overcome serious fears and learn how to build lasting, joyful relationships would be hiring a professional to do coaching or therapy. If those aren’t an option right now, you can also commit to rigorous regimen of self-care.
Try these strategies:
The first step is to realize what fear is: False Evidence Appearing Real.
Just because it feels like your partner is triggering you, does not mean they are doing it on purpose. You are reacting out of old paradigms to a new situation. The situation may seem familiar, but the player is different.
Try a mantra, "that was then, this is now" to keep you in the present.
Understand that fear is an energy. Consider the word “e-motion.” Energy in motion.
If your partner is doing something that triggers your fear, know that your emotions are taking over and basically paralysing the logical reasoning centers in your brain. There may not be much you can do in the moment, but hindsight will help you deconstruct the argument, and then with practice, you'll be able to get out of the grip faster.
Be aware of and acknowledge your fear.
Trying to push your fear away only intensifies it. All emotions are valid and are teaching us something. Communicate openly with your partner, as they will probably be triggered by your reactions as well.
Breathe and Focus.
You can do this. Take a deep breath and focus on the center of your chest. In for 3, hold for 4, out for 5 will calm your parasympathetic nervous system (or any technique where the exhale is longer than the inhale).
If you're more visual, form a relaxing image in your mind. Engage all your senses: colors, shapes, tastes, smells, and feelings.
Use affirmations or mantras. These statements or words build you up and reinforce your strength and ability to handle life.
"I am that I am" is the most powerful statement you can use. Make sure the "that" stands for a quality you want to call into your life. For example, "I am safe" "I am worthy of love" "I am courageous"
Taking care of yourself will help you become more self-reliant. In turn, learning to handle your fears will enhance your relationships.
If you'd like to go deeper, I have a free 30-day Self-Love email series you can sign up for here.
Reflection
Describe what “False Evidence Appearing Real” means to you.
What are your greatest fears about your relationship? How do they show up in your body?
Write three mantras or affirmations you can use when feeling fearful.
