Why Your Needs for Personal Space are Different
No matter how much you love each other, you’re still two different people. Over the past few weeks, you’ve been introduced to the differences in how you handle communication, anger, and social interaction. Today, we'll talk about differences in boundaries and personal space.
People who need less personal space and desire more connection often feel insecure with partners who are more independent. When the desired attention isn't freely given, it can feel like you have to ask for it. And based on what popular culture would have us believe, if you have to ask for it, "that means the love isn't real." The narrative then easily turns into "I don't want to seem clingy," and before you know it you stop communicating your needs. This is fertile soil for resentment.
The "why can't you just read my mind" tactic doesn't just hurt the person who desires more connection, it also doesn't give the more independent partner the chance to show up, and negotiate how much contact they might be comfortable with. Just because they may not habitually initiate the connection, it doesn't mean they don't enjoy it when it happens.
Not communicating means the relationship suffers and is put under the strain and weight of unexpressed expectations.
The Why’s of Personal Space Differences
People who need less personal space may have a difficult time understanding why others need more personal space.
Some differences are cultural.
Take the general saying hello rituals, for example: in the North and West we tend to shake hands, and in the Far East we may bow, keeping a good couple of feet between us both times. Many other countries use an embrace or kiss on the cheek, including when meeting new acquaintances. We grow up with an understanding of how much space between individuals is "normal" and acceptable.
Some differences are personal.
People with anxiety and those known as highly sensitive (HSP) tend to need more personal space. They have a more active parietal-frontal network in their brain, which interprets sensory input from your skin and other senses.
Their comfort level with others coming close to them is smaller than most people. This means they need more personal space.
Their sensitivity to stimulation (sounds, sights, emotional energy) is higher. Sometimes they need to get out of the room and away from people completely.
This is about their needs, their comfort level, and not a reflection of they feel about their partner.
Some differences are cognitive.
People who prefer Introversion tend to need more personal as well as mental space than those who prefer Extraversion. Introverts are more sensitive to the brain chemicals dopamine, which brings excitement, and acetylcholine, which brings calm.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger, that gets released when you're doing things that feel good and that give you pleasure. It makes your brain happy.
For an Introvert, a little dopamine goes a long way. The activation threshhold is quite low, and a lot of dopamine can feel overwhelming.
The dopamine activation threshhold for an Extravert is much higher, so they need much more dopamine than an introvert to feel the effects of it. In other words, the more excitement, the better.
Acetylcholine is a neurotransmitter used by the parasympathetic nervous system to activate muscle movements. It also slows down heart rate and dilates blood vessels, and is linked to attention, memory, learning, and REM sleep. The more reading, thinking, and quiet time an Introvert has, the calmer they feel.
A Personal Space Exercise
The amount of personal space needed by any individual may be different according to the emotional atmosphere at the time as well as the person involved.
Here’s a simple exercise to discover the amount of personal space that you and your partner require:
Stand about 10 feet apart facing each other. The one going first walks slowly towards the other. The second person puts their hands up when the one walking is close enough. It’s that simple. Then switch.
Repeat the exercise with each of you having an image of the last time you each felt:
Angry with each other
When sad
When scared
When happy
When amorous
Discuss your results. Use the Reflective Listening process to discuss what happened.
Managing a Relationship with Differing Personal Boundary Needs
Acknowledging that you each have different needs regarding personal space is the first step in preventing a challenge from escalating. Take time to discuss the need for personal boundaries using the communication skills you learned earlier.
Important topics for discussion:
You may have different needs in the home.
Let your partner know when you need alone time, or when you need a hug.
You may have different needs for space when you’re experiencing different emotions.
Physical space needs are also about touching. Some people want more touching when they’re upset while others want less.
When you and your partner have differences in your needs for personal space, communication is crucial. You now know personal space issues involve different areas of the brain as well as different chemicals in the brain. Keep this in mind when challenges arise in this area.
Reflection
How does it make you feel when your partner needs more space than you do?
How does it make you feel when your partner needs more connection than you do?
How can you communicate a compromise in different emotional situations?
