The Case For Friendships Outside of Your Relationship

We talked about different needs for personal space last week, so let's take a closer look at friendships outside your relationship today. 

Maybe once you got together, you felt like you're sharing your life with your best friend already, so other friendships fell by the wayside. Or maybe you were friends with your partner before things turned romantic, and there is now a nagging doubt at the back of your mind about the nature of their current friendships. 

You and your partner are amazing individuals with your own gifts, talents, and interests. Some of which you may have in common, others you probably don’t. This is a good thing! 

Friends Expand Our Life

Personal growth happens when we learn from others, who encourage us to have experiences we usually wouldn't. 

Outside friendships will add variety to your life, as well as the opportunity to explore different aspects of yourself. The key to having friendships outside of the relationship is appreciating the comfort level you each have in sharing each other. Using open and honest communication helps keep your relationship strong, and you’ll be able to enjoy each of you having different friends.

Friends Make Room 

As much as you love your partner, there will be times when you need a break. Yes, you will get on each other’s nerves. Short breaks to engage in activities you enjoy gives you the space you need to renew your friendship with each other.

Again, especially if one of you has Introversion and the other has Extraversion preferences, your needs for alone time vs spending time in a social circle will be different. This is not a reflection on the state of your relationship, but an expression of individual needs. Accept and make the most of them! Just because you're a couple doesn't mean you have to do everything together; it's perfectly fine if one partner stays home while the other goes out. 

Friends May Bring Up Jealous Feelings

Some people are comfortable with their partner having friends of either gender, while others are not. This is an important area to discuss as there are differing needs and expectations. If one partner feels more strongly about this than the other, use your communication tools like reflective listening to sort out feelings and expectations.

• How comfortable are you with your partner's relationship with their friends? Have you met all of them? Do you get on? Do you feel included?

• Has either of you experienced a betrayal in past relationships? Is that memory influencing your present? Are the people involved, eg ex-partners, still in the orbit?

Every couple’s experience has their own complexities, such as the sexual orientation of both partners as well as the sexual orientation of the friends. Even more so if you're in an open or polyamorous relationship, the key is talking about your feelings openly, honestly, trusting your partner, and negotiating boundaries being mutually respectful. 

If Someone Feels Left Out

If either of you begins feeling left out of the other’s life, it’s time to sit down and do some reflective listening. Without realizing it, one of you could become so involved in your hobby that you accidentally forget how your partner is doing.

Things change all the time. You or your partner may need more time together now than you used to. Communicate your needs, and don't dismiss your partner when they come to you and want to talk about spending quality time together. 

We're not immune to our past experiences or childhood programming. Sometimes, bad and jealous thoughts just run away with us and we can spiral into making up stories in our head. This is a crucial time to speak up about your fears and feelings, and be aware how much is your past triggering your present. If you don't feel comfortable discussing it with your partner, find a trusted professional to talk it over. 

On the other hand, if you feel like you or your partner are curbing the other's social circle outside of your relationship to an unhealthy degree, consider visiting https://coda.org to learn more about codependency. 

As your relationship grows and develops, you’ll each find the need to spend time with others. This could happen as a part of work or when you engage in different hobbies. That's a good thing! You'll make new experiences that you can then share with your significant other. As always, communicating with each other on a regular basis will help you understand each other and raise awareness of any unsettled feelings.

Reflection

Before discussing these questions with your partner, take some time so you know how you feel by answering these for yourself.

• How do you feel about your partner being good friends with someone the same gender and sexual orientation as you?

• Are there situations in which you wouldn’t trust your partner in friendships? What are they, and how can you communicate it?

• Are there situations in which your friendships may be crossing relationship boundaries? How does that make you feel?