Does your Type predict your S*x-Life?
Emily Nagoski is a prominent sex educator and author of "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life." Some of her key points are:
The Dual Control Model: Sexual response is influenced by two systems: the sexual accelerator and the sexual brakes. The accelerator is sensitive to sexual cues and triggers arousal, while the brakes respond to potential threats or distractions, inhibiting arousal. Individuals vary in how sensitive their accelerator and brakes are, which affects their sexual response.
Context Matters: Nagoski emphasizes that arousal and desire are highly context-dependent. Stress, fatigue, relationship dynamics, emotional state, and personal beliefs all play a significant role in shaping one's sexual experience. In other words, what might have been arousing last week may not work tonight.
Understanding Libido: According to Nagoski, our desire or energy for sex is not a fixed, measurable quantity. Instead, it's a combination of biological (e.g., hormonal), psychological (e.g., emotional well-being), and social (e.g., cultural norms) factors.
Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire: Some people spring to action at a moment's notice, some people need more time or energy to get in the mood. Spontaneous desire is the type of desire that arises seemingly out of nowhere, while responsive desire occurs in response to stimulation or context. Contrary to traditional beliefs, both forms of desire are normal and valid experiences for a variety of people.
Pressure and Performance: Societal expectations and pressures around sex can affect individuals' experiences. Feeling pressured to perform or conform to certain sexual norms can create anxiety and inhibit arousal. Learning to let go of these pressures can be crucial for enjoying a fulfilling sex life.
Overall, Nagoski's work highlights the importance of understanding the complexity and variability of human sexuality. By embracing this complexity and recognizing the individual nature of sexual experience, individuals can cultivate a healthier and more satisfying relationship with their own sexuality and that of their partners. As a Type practitioner, my strong hypothesis is that our Type preferences strongly play into how we experience and interpret those factors of dual control, context, libido, desire, and cultural pressures.
However, because sex is such a complicated, multi-faceted process, to my knowledge, there is no reliable research available into how sexual preferences correlate with psychological Type, yet.
Trait research consistently shows a link between the Big 5 and sexuality: Neuroticism is associated with sexual dissatisfaction, negative emotions, and sexual dysfunction. Extraversion is linked to sexual activity, risky behavior, and sexual satisfaction. Openness is related to same-sex orientation, liberal attitudes toward sex, and sexual motivation. Agreeableness and conscientiousness are associated with lower levels of sexually aggressive behavior and sexual infidelity (Allen, 2018; Costa, 1992, Heaven, 2003)... but those are traits, not type.
There's this study by "Onlinedoctor Superdrug" (a website linked to a digital marketing agency), but they appear to have used 16 Personalities as their Type source, so that's no good. For one, 16 Personalities gives a type result based on a trait instrument, and for another, half of the type practitioners from the 2021 BAPT conference (who arguably know their Type) did not get their best-fit result from that quiz. I wrote about it here.
from the Superdrug study
Also, they share blanket statements like this one about people with extraversion preferences being 10% more adventurous in bed than people with introversion preferences. Maybe that's an average, but the accompanying visual shows only a 2% difference between the ESFJ, and the ISFP and INTP (who supposedly has the least sex partners on average).
Granted, how adventurous you are doesn't have to translate to how many partners you have; if you trust your one or main partner completely, you can be very adventurous with them indeed. But their write-up was also inconsistent between describing the ESTJ having the highest number of sexual partners on average, and the ENTJ having twice as many (maybe they meant frequency?). They also said that people with extraversion preferences were 11% more satisfied in bed than introverts, while ENTP scored 12 percentage points below ISTP. To me, despite the large sample, there are too many flags to be considered reliable research.
I would love to remedy that.
If you know your Type (or would like to verify it with me in exchange for your time), and would be open to be interviewed about your sex life, please contact me!
Full disclosure, this would be independent research, as I am not currently affiliated with any university. But since I would pursue publication in a peer-reviewed journal again, I fully understand and comply with all the ethical requirements for participant anonymity and safe data storage. 🥸🔐
TL:DR: I'm a relationship coach, and I want to research whether and/or how our personality shapes our sex lives, including our attitudes to monogamy, and our needs in open relating (aka consensual non-monogamy). Will you help me?
Examples
If you'd like to see what kind of information I'd like to verify with this research, here are two excerpts from the series of 16 videos I did throughout December, where I explicitly go into how Type might show up in the bedroom. They describe expectations and hypotheses that probably ring true, but I'd like to get a lot more nuanced.
For extraverted Intuiting Types:
People of this type are sexually free and happy to explore, sex is probably a very important aspect of their romantic relationships to them, including as a kiss-and-make-up kind of practice, or just to let off some tension after a stressful day. Given their general openness and curiosity I wouldn’t be surprised if they’d be open to non-monogamous relationships and non-binary sexual or gender exploration as well. I think their biggest turn on is their minds though, so if you can keep up intellectually as well as physically, you’re going to have a firecracker of a relationship.
Click here to watch the full ENFP/ENTP video.
For extraverted Feeling Types:
Hosts are likely to identify as demisexual, where sexual attraction comes after a romantic interest or attraction. That’s not to say they don’t like one-night-stands, but they probably don’t go into them thinking that’s what they’ll be. There’s always the hope of, “maybe they’ll call!”
Like their analytic siblings, it might take them a while to get over norms they grew up with, and unlearn traditional ideas about sex, like when you should have it, how many partners are too many, or which position is too naughty.
Over time and with growing experience, they might become more open to exploring new ways and adding to their existing menu of doing things. Either way, sex is a great way of establishing intimate connections, so they’re going to view it as an important aspect of loving relationships.
Click here to watch the full ENFJ/ESFJ video.
And again, if you'd be open to participating in my research, just contact me. Thank you! 🙏
Elsewhere...
If you've watched my Mini Relationship Audit Workshop video, how are you and your partner going to bridge your gaps going forward? I'd love to hear from you!
I'm still (somewhat) keeping my new hobby under the radar, but have started publishing thoughts on Substack, and shorter notes on a new Type and Tarot Instagram account. In case you're interested, please like, follow, and subscribe! 🔮✨
