How to Avoid Gray Divorce (This is controversial.)
Gray divorce, or “silver splitting”, are terms reserved for couples who split up while in their 50s. Although there are a multitude of underlying factors, some gray divorces are (at least in part) due to the very delicate issue of sexual incompatibility. Different drives lead to different bedrooms, and eventually different zip codes.
But what if desire discrepancies didn’t have to mean the end of your long-standing marriage?
Enter open relating, also known as ethical or consensual non-monogamy. Now, bear with me, because I will show you that it's not as out-there as it sounds.
Open relating empowers couples to deal with primarily desire discrepancy issues by working together and finding creative, unique solutions. Instead of reaching the point of no return, it offers a way to navigate through the difficulties by saying, "Hey, there is so much good stuff here, let’s talk about what we need, and figure it out together."
It’s not for everyone, but as you will see, it actually has a lot of health and happiness benefits. Plus, it might just save you from the financial and emotional distress of a divorce.
Understanding Gray Divorce: Prevalence & Leading Causes
Gray divorce is a term used when couples, typically over the age of 50, who typically have been together for ten years or longer, decide to part ways. The rate of gray divorces doubled between 1990 and 2010, and today, 1 in 3 people who get divorced is aged 50+(1).
This shift, and what is making gray divorce more common than in previous generations, reflects changing attitudes toward divorce in general, as well as changing circumstances involving a longer life span, and raised expectations of personal growth and happiness.
Divorce can be prompted by various reasons, and keeping in mind that every situation is unique, below is a list of potential factors specific to gray divorce.
Before we explore that list, any form of emotional or physical abuse is a pressing reason for seeking immediate separation or divorce. Also, if a spouse has any untreated conditions, be they psychiatric, self-medicated including alcohol or substance abuse, or untreated trauma, and refuses to seek treatment, a separation or divorce may be necessary to keep yourself and your children safe.
1. Empty Nest Syndrome:
- The departure of children from home can lead to spouses reassessing their relationship, which can reveal…
2. Empty Marriage Syndrome:
- Feeling emotionally disconnected or having a sense of loneliness within the marriage. Realizing that you’ve only stayed together for the sake of the kids and now that they’ve left, you have nothing more to give to each other.
3. Something that is in part explained by the Jungian psychological Type model, which he calls individuation, but that is commonly known as the Midlife Crisis:
- A desire for personal growth or a reassessment of life goals during midlife can include a reevaluation of the marriage.
4. This phase is often accompanied by a Self-Discovery process:
- A desire or felt need to explore who you are by yourself, without taking a partner’s needs into account, at least for a while.
5. Unfulfilled Expectations:
- If one or both partners have unmet wants or needs - whether they be realistic or not is a different story - they can lead to dissatisfaction and divorce.
- More commonly, if one partner feels like they have put up with something for long enough and feel like they have exhausted every other available avenue to bring about a change, divorce may seem like the only option to get out of a rut.
6. Health Issues:
- The onset of serious health problems for one or both spouses can strain the marriage to the point where “in sickness and in health” is no longer an option.
- Especially those that affect the intimate or sex life, e.g. erectile dysfunction in the male, or vaginal dryness and loss of libido through menopause and hormonal changes in the female partner(s).
Many physical sexual health issues have effective treatments, if the partner is open to asking for help and following their doctor’s advice. Sometimes, desire vanishes for mental or emotional reasons. Either way, there may be a period where one spouse has different needs than the other, which can over time lead to frustration and show up as:
1. Rekindling of Old Flames:
- The reconnection with old flames or past relationships may prompt a spouse to feel insecure, or lead to
2. Infidelity:
- Hidden extramarital affairs constitute a breach of trust; if or when they are discovered these tend to cause tremendous problems.
3. Waning Intimacy:
- A lack of, or decline in, physical and/or emotional intimacy can lead to dissatisfaction and a desire for separation, especially if one partner’s libido is still vigorous and active.
4. Loss of passionate Love:
- The absence of romantic feelings or a perception of falling out of love with a spouse.
- Again, these points are rarely in a clear category by themselves, and often go hand in hand with something like “well, we’ve become friends who manage our kids’ lives together, the sex fell by the wayside, and now we don’t even cuddle or kiss anymore, so we’re more like roommates.”
5. Sexual Incompatibility:
- Differences in sexual preferences in terms of kinds of activity, types of arousal, or frequency of activity are not addressed and result in a desire to separate.
Facing any of these challenges in a marriage can make it tempting to call it quits and opt for a divorce. It can easily feel like ending things is simpler than tackling the problems, especially if efforts like therapy or date nights have been made with no visible change.
However, it's crucial to recognize that the aftermath of divorce is substantial, and it's not a decision to be made lightly or at the first sign of trouble.
Challenges of Gray Divorce
Gray divorce has substantial financial, social, and emotional consequences.
Financially, with advanced age, the process of dividing assets, such as homes, savings, joint businesses, stock options, even airline miles and of course credit card debts can become particularly complex. In some countries like the United States, an added complication is dividing up social security benefits, as your pension may be considered as a joint asset. Also consider any health or life insurance policies and how you will compensate for coverage after you separate.
Basically, you are not only cutting your memories, your nest egg, and retirement savings in half, you are also quasi-doubling your expenses.
Socially, the dynamics with friends and family can get complicated as people take sides to navigate new roles. Many gray divorcees don’t want to live alone, but searching for roommates in your 50s or 60s - be it for companionship or to share on rent expenses - can be a challenging experience. Many are lonely, but also dread re-entering the dating market after being out of it for several decades.
Having said that, many gray divorcees love living alone, as they lean into and begin enjoying an autonomy and a freedom over how to use their time they may have never experienced before. Imagine having full control of the remote, seeing only your own dishes in the sink, and sleeping in the middle of a bed with duvets and pillows all to yourself!
Emotionally, when comparing levels of depression in gray divorce with widowhood, research shows that a) both divorced and widowed participants experience higher levels of depression than those who remained married, and b) that those who divorce recover more quickly than those who were widowed. (2)
Divorce naturally involves a profound shift for the spouses, and it often also affects the adult children. They may be glad for you and support your separation, or they may be shocked and experience a sense of loss.
As the implications of gray divorce are significant, taking this step should be carefully considered.
Open Relating
Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is an umbrella term for a variety of relationship configurations with different levels of emotional and sexual exclusivity agreements.
CNM is the current terminology used in research but critics of the word point out that it’s a term based off of the cultural norm, monogamy, which already implicitly puts it at a disadvantage or negative connotation. So, as much as possible I try to use the term open relating now, because that’s more self-contained, although CNM is still a nice abbreviation.
We can’t talk about non-monogamy without addressing the stigma.
First of all, you probably already know someone who’s polyamorous, or has explored open relating in other ways. Research shows that 4 to 5% of North Americans currently engage in CNM, 21.9% have at some point, and 12% cite CNM as their relationship ideal. Importantly, there is great diversity across age groups, races, household income, and education levels. (10)
But because of the prevailing stigma and fear of discrimination, they may not have felt safe enough to bring up their open relating experiences with you - until they can be sure that you are an accepting or at least non-judging recipient of such information.
One major hurdle for non-monogamous relationships is the prevalence of misconceptions and stereotypes. Many people assume that non-monogamous relationships lack commitment or are just an excuse for infidelity. However, the reality is quite different. Non-monogamy involves transparent communication, trust, and consensual agreements between partners.(4)
Similarly, many people assume that those in open relationships are at a great risk of sexually transmitted infections (STI). However, research has consistently shown that those in open relationships are more likely to get tested, disclose their STI status, and use protective barrier methods, than people in supposedly-monogamous relationships, who cheat on their partners.(5)
Another misconception is that open relationships are chaotic or lack stability. In truth, successful non-monogamous relationships require solid communication skills, respect, and a commitment to the agreed-upon terms and boundaries. In fact, one of my research participants actually described it like this:
“I think something that feels important is there seems to just be this misconception about non-monogamy. It's just you're constantly dating and sleeping with people and it's just chaos. And I think that that's how a lot of my friends see it. And in reality, I think when you're doing it well, I think that it's slow. And after, especially at the beginning, after every encounter, you're really checking in with yourself and with each other and being like, “how did that feel?”(6)
By dispelling these misconceptions, we can foster a more accurate understanding of the diversity and validity of alternative relationship structures.
Sex is healthy at any age
Research indicates a noticeable shift in attitudes towards non-traditional relationship structures, and at this point, you have probably seen at least one headline about polyamory in a mainstream publication as well.(7)
As societal norms evolve, more individuals are expressing openness to different ways of forming and sustaining relationships. This changing landscape signifies a broader acknowledgment that there isn't a one-size-fits-all model for relationships.
Not only that, a growing number of studies show that sexual activity throughout life has unique health and emotional benefits.
And it’s not just younger people who are taking advantage.
Engaging in sexual activity throughout life, to be clear - also after midlife - is linked to improved health and greater personal happiness. A 2014 study by Fleckenstein and Cox explored how non-exclusive relationships impact sexual frequency, health, and personal happiness in older adults.
The researchers surveyed 502 individuals aged 55 and older in the United States who were in consensually non-exclusive sexual relationships. The results were compared with data from 723 similar respondents in the 2012 United States General Social Survey.
The key findings indicate that those in non-exclusive relationships reported more sexual partners, higher sexual frequency, better health, and were more likely to have undergone an HIV test compared to the general US population. Again, dismissing the STI misconception we noted earlier.
The non-monogamous sample also reported being significantly happier than their monogamous counterparts (except married non-monogamous men scored about the same). Statistical regression analyses here clearly identified sexual frequency as the main contributor to the increased personal happiness of the non-exclusive sample. Notably, the effect was especially dramatic for women. In other words, the more often women had sexual encounters (and these don’t have to be penetrative all the time, sex can take many forms) the happier they were.
But, one of the most significant findings is that the unmarried members of the non-exclusive sample reported as high levels of sexual frequency, health, and happiness as they did, compared to the general population. This stands in stark contrast to much of the existing literature about how healthy or happy unmarried older individuals supposedly are. (9)
We’ve been talking about consensual non-monogamy, i.e. having multiple partners while you’re married, and how that might be a solution to avoid getting divorced with all of the consequences that entails.
But of course, you can also form agreements with multiple partners while you’re single! There are plenty of older adults who were never married, and according to this study, their health and happiness is a lot better and a lot higher when they live an openly sexual life, compared to those single older adults who don’t embrace their sexuality.
In summary, this study emphasizes the importance of understanding and acknowledging the sexuality of aging individuals. It also shows that participating in or having an interest in consensual non-exclusive sexual relationships can be not only fulfilling, but contribute to personal health and happiness, potentially even more so than monogamous marriages - precisely because the partner with lower desire is not forced to comply with their spouse’s higher demand; while the partner with higher desire is not forced to give up their sexual needs.
Summary & References
Monogamous marriage is considered the “bedrock” of society. As such, it comes with strongly embedded cultural rules and expectations. Unfortunately, reality shows time and time again that these rules and expectations don’t work for everyone. Humans have needs and sometimes, those needs develop differently. Given the rules of marital monogamy, the very thing that is supposed to keep a couple together often ends up forcing it into a divorce.
Unless that couple is brave, curious, and loving enough to consider a different path.
Breaking the taboos of monogamy is a challenging but potentially rewarding process. Research shows both the detrimental effects of divorce, and the beneficial effects of a healthy and harmonious intimate and romantic life. Under the right circumstances, opening your marriage can be what saves it.
Open Relating may not be the right solution for you, but if you think it might be, or you’d like to talk through what else might work, I’d love to hear from you. In my coaching practice, I help individuals and couples like you mindfully create happier, healthier relationships - whatever they might look like for you. Book a consult today.
These are excerpts from my e-book, which contains more examples, quotes from my research participants, and worksheets for you and your partner to fill out. You can download it for free here.
(1) The Gray Divorce Revolution: Rising Divorce Among Middle-Aged and Older Adults, 1990–2010
https://scholar.harvard.edu/files/goldin/files/graydivorce_0.pdf
(2) Lin, I. F., Brown, S. L., Wright, M. R., & Hammersmith, A. M. (2019). Depressive Symptoms Following Later-life Marital Dissolution and Subsequent Repartnering. Journal of health and social behavior, 60(2), 153–168. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022146519839683
(3) The Complete Polysecure Bundle
(4) Klesse, C. (2006). Polyamory and its ‘others’: Contesting the terms of non-monogamy. Sexualities, 9(5), 565–583. https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460706069986
(5) Lehmiller, J. J. (2015). A comparison of sexual health history and practices among monogamous and consensually nonmonogamous sexual partners. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(10), 2022–2028. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12987
(6) Füllgrabe, D., Smith, D.S. “Monogamy? In this Economy?”: Stigma and Resilience in Consensual Non-Monogamous Relationships. Sexuality & Culture 27, 1955–1976 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-023-10099-7
(7) How is a “Gray Divorce” Different From Other Divorces?
Why Polyamory Works So Well for Some People
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/202105/why-polyamory-works-so-well-some-people
New Sexual Revolution: Polyamory May Be Good for You
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/new-sexual-revolution-polyamory/
(8) Hutzler, K. T., Giuliano, T. A., Herselman, J. R., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). Three’s a crowd: Public awareness and (mis)perceptions of polyamory. Psychology & Sexuality, 7(2), 69–87. https://doi.org/10.1080/19419899.2015.1004102
(9) Fleckenstein, J. R., & Cox, D. W. (2015). The association of an open relationship orientation with health and happiness in a sample of older US adults. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 30(1), 94–116. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2014.976997
(10) Fairbrother, N., Hart, T. A., & Fairbrother, M. (2019). Open relationship prevalence, characteristics, and correlates in a nationally representative sample of Canadian adults. The Journal of Sex Research, 56(6), 695–704. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2019.1580667
Haupert, M. L., Gesselman, A. N., Moors, A. C., Fisher, H. E., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). Prevalence of experiences with consensual nonmonogamous relationships: Findings from two national samples of single Americans. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43(5), 424–440. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675
Levine, E. C., Herbenick, D., Martinez, O., Fu, T.-C., & Dodge, B. (2018). Open relationships, nonconsensual nonmonogamy, and monogamy among U.S. adults: Findings from the 2012 national survey of sexual health and behavior. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47(5), 1439–1450. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-018-1178-7
(11) Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) https://amzn.to/3HgvInT
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