Exploring Your Edges

Sometimes, we don't know where our boundaries are until we - or someone we love - have crossed them. So let's talk about the concept of edges and see how you might become more familiar with, and maybe even safely expand, your comfort zone.

What is an edge?

Generally speaking, an edge refers to a geographical location that describes the outer or inner bounds of a defined parameter.

There is also a sexual technique called "edging", where you might (alone or with a partner) try to maintain a high level of arousal for as long as possible, thereby controlling, delaying, or even avoiding an orgasm.

In a somatic and relational context, an edge refers to the upper and lower limits of stimulation or sensation we can comfortably integrate within our nervous systems.

The edges within yourself

Think about what it feels like when you're in a perfect flow state, when you're doing something you enjoy, when you're spending time with someone you love, when you're experiencing pleasure. Feel free to close your eyes and bask in those sensations for a moment. Maybe your heart beats steadily, your blood pressure regulates, there's a smile on your lips as your lungs breathe optimally, a sense of happiness in your tummy or lightness in your chest.

Now remember a time when you were over-stimulated. Maybe a party that went from fun to exhausting, or a jazz solo that went from delightfully chaotic to noise, or a meal that was so tasty but then left you feeling sick.

That is where you found and crossed your own internal upper edge between excitement and overwhelm, where stimulating sensations became too much to integrate.

And what about a time when you were under-stimulated; maybe a lecture that started out fine but couldn't hold your attention, or a meditation session where you fell asleep.

That is where you found and crossed your own internal lower edge between calmness and boredom, where stimulating sensations hit the floor and were too small to integrate.

Everyone has their "goldilocks" space of just-right stimulation and sensation, and the edges are the tipping points where the nervous system gets activated into "this is too much" or "this is too little".

Exercise

If you'd like to consciously meet your edges or practice expanding your range, you can give yourself a sensory stimulation and pay attention to how it's feeling in your body.

To stay with the music example, you could listen to your favorite record and turn up the volume until you find it almost too loud, and notice how that feels in your body. When do you start feeling agitated? What's the accompanying narrative? (Obviously paying attention to your ear-health, please.)

And then you can turn the volume down until it's at the lower edge, and notice how that feels in your body. When does your mind's chatter distract you from the music? What's the accompanying narrative?

The edges between you and others

In relationship with others, we all have certain comfort zones of how much closeness, intimacy, and autonomy we can tolerate to feel safely connected, yet independent.

Your upper edge is the place where you feel just enough intimacy and closeness to feel curious and excited, before it tips into feeling smothered or co-dependent.

Your lower edge is the place where you feel just enough freedom to feel independent and autonomous, before it tips into feeling abandoned or rejected.

During early relationship stages this can look like one partner sending lots of texts and imagining your life together after two dates. After years and years of married life this can look like one partner no longer feeling attracted to their spouse.

It is very rare to find a partner who has the exact same needs as you, so relational intelligence is about learning to manage your own and your partner's comfort zones with grace. Knowing your and your partners' edges is about noticing where they could overwhelm or bore you, and where you could overwhelm or not offer enough to them.

Exercise

Stand or sit opposite one another, and take a few deep breaths to center yourselves.

One partner, when ready, gestures to the other to slowly approach. Then signals with another agreed gesture when their edge has been reached and they want the partner to stop approaching.

Both pay attention to how their body is reacting and talk about it.

Is the partner who's leaning in maybe crossing their own edge, and getting closer than they'd like? Does the partner who invited in maybe want to change their mind and push back a little again? This can be a great opportunity to practice gently asking for more space and noticing what you notice.

TL/DR:

Finding the level of proximity where your edges touch without overwhelming each other is a continuing practice, because edges might change depending on context and practice. If you'd like the support of a trained professional coach to help you do that, feel free to book a curiosity convo today and let's talk.

Upcoming Event

I'm thrilled to offer a live workshop on ​healthy relational boundaries on October 20th, 2024.​ Space is limited and our host is the lovely Samantha from Curious Jane. ​Tickets​ are $20 and include a +1. All proceeds will be donated to the ​Crisis Text Line​.