How to deal with disappointing relationships
Feeling disappointed in relationships is practically guaranteed when one party is operating out of Be-Like-Me Syndrome.
Coined by human and organizational development practitioner, Linda Berens, PhD, Be-Like-Me describes how people project expectations onto others. We want the people around us to act, react, think, speak, and be like us. And if they don’t, well, they must be mad, bad, weird, or wrong. After all, our way is the best way, otherwise we wouldn’t be doing it.
Be-Like-Me Syndrome afflicts all of us at some point, especially when we’re stressed, sick, hangry, or tired.
Unfortunately, there is no outright cure for Be-Like-Me, but with self awareness, acceptance, and communication, we can reduce the symptoms and frequency of flare-ups.
Dealing with Be-Like-Me-related Disappointment
Step 1: Know Your Triggers
You’re probably an otherwise chill person to be around, but some behaviors (even in people you love) just set you off. This can look like asking your partner, “Why don’t you ever leave me little love notes?” or saying things like, “I can’t believe I have to wait for you AGAIN.”
Recognizing Be-Like-Me becomes easier when you know what makes you tick (and what ticks you off). Understanding your and your partner’s personality type preferences (with a tool like the Myers-Briggs MBTI® questionnaire) can be an effective way to understand how you and your mate are alike and different. Bonus: Type also provides a non-judgmental language, framework, and tools to describe, manage, and celebrate your differences.
Step 2: Do a Reality Check
Before blowing your stack at your partner, take a moment to name all the things they are doing that you like, enjoy, and appreciate. Then take another minute to reflect on how you might be triggering them. Now ask yourself, “Does that usually happen on purpose?”
We come into the world with a predisposition for using our brain a certain way. This shows up in how we behave in any given context.
What we say and how we say it usually comes from a place of wanting our own needs met, not because we want to intentionally create drama or hurt anyone.
Step 3: Practice Compassion
Acknowledging how your projections affect your partner is a helpful step towards accepting your partner as a whole, separate person. You’re in this relationship together. This means accepting that they have their own needs and Be-Like-Me perspective, too.
Opening a dialog to talk about each others’ triggers is a good starting point. From there, you can decide on safe words for when either of you are feeling triggered and/or gestures to signal when you’re feeling let down or your expectations are misaligned.
Until people can read each other’s minds, we have to practice verbalizing what is going on inside our heads, to help our partner understand us better. It can be uncomfortable but, along with self-awareness, communication can help your relationship blossom and thrive — even in the face of disappointment.
