How to keep your relationship healthy during the Pandemic
“This time will be known as the Great Adaptation.”
It’s April 2020. Esther Perel sits in front of a mirror, in a small wood-paneled room right off of her kitchen, hair in a messy bun, and headphone cables in like the rest of us. Hundreds of webinar participants have been sharing hellos and where they're froms in the chat section for minutes before she started, and she’s visibly moved by the reception. Without wasting any time, she launches into what is going to be a packed 50 minute webinar, talking in her charming accent, at break neck speed.
In case you weren’t able to attend, here are the notes I took. I hope you'll find them helpful.
Turn relational differences into resources
Everybody copes differently in a crisis. Nobody is right or wrong in this situation, because nobody has definitive answers. But the underlying feelings of sadness, powerlessness, fear, uncertainty, loss are the same.
Appreciate diversity within your relationships, because diversity increases resilience
Some need projects, facts, logical information, and like to share lists and graphs
Some hoard or stockpile
Some become emotional
Some become fatalistic and think “why bother”
THAT’S OK. Coping styles may be two sides of the same coin
Differences don’t have to be polarizing, they are not intended as a threat to your style; explore how they can be complementary
Allow for space inside you and between you; take a Yes, And approach
Language matters
Physical distancing (over “social”)
Cocooning (over “quarantine” or “lockdown”)
Note: Here’s an article about Stress and Coping Mechanisms by Type.
How to manage conflict / tension
You’re trapped by COVID, not by your relationship, but situations of prolonged uncertainty are going to create distortions.
Acknowledge that tension is inevitable
Allow all feelings that come with this massive disruption
Irritability, impulsivity, frustration - they’re all a given
Have a code word
Do a stress test, e.g. what’s the anxiety level, calm level, stress level, playful level, humor level - what are the markers? Irritability level 9, snapping level 10 - leave me alone. If I’m in focus level 10, that’s a boundary, cueing in the other person and letting them know to what extent you can engage or not.
Follow up when ready with a conversation, talk about it; not to argue, just to listen; validate, and then I’ll experience myself not as lonely but sharing my experience which doesn’t have to be yours.
How to keep the mystery alive
“Mating in captivity, the COVID sequel.”
Physical space is limited, but imaginative capacities are infinite.
Be playful. Have dates. Pretend. Make as if.
Allow yourself to think that you’re having a party / are at a club / restaurant / cinema
Define boundaries between solo and couple time, practical and playful time, work and private time - use your imagination for all of it.
Write love notes while sitting at the same table.
Role play: change names, language, clothes - understand that a role is not just defined by the physicality but by how you act in it. The acting behavior changes the story of the two of you.
Supporting highly anxious partners
Ask them what helps them relax, then let them / help them do it, e.g. cooking, or eating what you cooked
If they allow touch, hold them without talking and until they let go
Encourage taking a shower or bath; physical touch and water calm the nervous system
Don’t talk about statistics
Creating boundaries
Different parts of our identity and all our usual roles normally happen in different locations - the commute, the office, the bar, the gym. Now, all we have is one space, and many of us struggle to delineate and separate.
Build contextual shifts into your day, or you’ll be exhausted at night
Between two activities, get up and walk around
To eat, clear the table from work clutter, and then clear the dishes when you go back to work
Take a break somewhere else
Discuss with others what space means to you; negotiate what you need; talk to your kids about what it means not to have your own space
On work calls, acknowledge that you’re entering someone else’s home; don’t hide / shame others for taking care of pets; use the mute button
Self-soothe; go in a different room; put on headphones; ask for space; say when you don’t have anything left to give, and then be the one to come back when you’re ready
Q&A
Parents abroad - use voice and video, use technology, check in with them at deeper levels, not just what’s been happening, but how they’re feeling, what’s keeping them up at night.
New couples - experiencing something new and powerful, play with that, you’re discovering each other much deeper and faster. You’re discovering so many things. Who are you? Approach it with mischief, curiosity, playfulness, and improvise.
Use erotic imagination, film each other, not just for sex, but go outside of reality. It’s harder to imagine things - but it’s exactly when you want to invite it in. Bring back pleasure in the midst of crisis.
College kids - talk about political situation now, we’re asking them to sacrifice themselves, we’re learning how interdependent we are. They have right to choose where to live (e.g. with boyfriend / girlfriend not move back home).
Couples who are quarantined apart - leave the camera on, coexist, don’t just chit chat, so you can see one another all day.
