How To Practice Financial Fidelity to Strengthen Your Relationship

According to CreditCards.com’s latest financial infidelity poll, 40% of respondents who are in serious relationships admitted to hiding a checking, savings or credit card account from their partners. Of the respondents, 51% were millennials, 41% Gen Xers, and 33% boomers.

The main reason cited was “privacy / a desire to control my own finances” (30%), followed by “it never came up / I didn’t feel the need to share” (25%). 17% said they needed the money to support an addiction.

Being able to trust your partner about money is essential to a healthy relationship. Especially if debt is being accrued in both your names, you will be held responsible for paying it off. Even in the case of a separation or divorce, and although you were not aware of the debt.

Here are some steps you can take separately and together to practice financial fidelity.

On Your Own

1. Examine your own attitudes about money. Developing a positive attitude about money will make it easier to cooperate with your partner. Conduct a candid self-evaluation and be willing to make practical improvements. How much do you bring in? How much do you spend? What are the patterns? Are your spending habits aligned with your long term life goals? If not, where can you make adjustments?

2. Seek fulfillment in non-material ways. The more you value spiritual attainments and your relationships with family and friends, the more likely you'll be to keep money in perspective. Like Suze Orman says, “people first, then money, then things.” Before making the next purchase, ask yourself whether you want it, or need it, and whether you can afford it. Where are you comparing yourself to others? How much do you spend to “keep up” with or impress others?

3. Try to be more flexible. Most of your ideas about money were formed in your childhood. Think back where you may have learned your habits, and then step into your adult self to reassess if those ideas are still serving you well. People tend to feel tense about money, because it plays a big role in determining our life conditions. Be gentle with yourself as you work on making gradual adjustments.

As a Couple

1. Start discussing your finances early in your relationship. Get off to a good start by sharing relevant information with your partner about your net worth and spending habits. That includes your personal beliefs about money, but also tangible information like debts, investments, student loans, and credit card ratings. These things will come out eventually as you apply for a mortgage or buy a car together.
   If you are a very wealthy person, do you have to disclose absolutely everything you own? There may not be a straightforward answer. Considering that 32% of Millennials in the poll considered financial infidelity worse than a physical affair, honesty and transparency seem to be the safer way to go in the long run. And of course you have the option to protect the wealth you bring into a relationship with a prenuptial agreement.

2. Declare amnesty for past errors. Encourage your partner to level with you by focusing on solutions rather than analyzing past events. If both are willing to work past it and save the relationship, you have to agree on how to handle the consequences (e.g. paying down the debt), and how to move forward (e.g. setting a budget and going to counseling).

3. Be respectful of your differences. You and your partner may hold different beliefs about managing money. Most people "inherit" their beliefs about money from their parents or the financial circumstances of their childhood. However, you can still work as a team if you strive to understand one another and negotiate fairly.

4. Agree on how to handle debts. If one of you entered the relationship with past debts, ensure you have a mutually agreed plan in place for handling the situation. Going forward, keep track of how much you owe to keep it from piling up.

5. Save together. Approach saving as a team. Motivate each other to put money aside for retirement or other goals like college tuition, and then praise each other for doing so.

6. Collaborate on major purchases. Many couples set a ceiling for how much they can spend before checking in with each other. This varies depending on your circumstances.

7. Put aside some fun money. Each of you may want to hold onto a designated amount each month that you can spend any way you like. Depending on how much room you have after paying the bills and saving, it’s an important balance to also practice spending and enjoying the things money can buy.

8. Take responsibility for your situation. However you set up your accounts and whichever one of you handles the paperwork, you are both accountable for the outcomes. Keep each other informed all along the way… No surprises!

9. Seek professional advice. The decisions we need to make about money can get complicated and have far-reaching consequences. Talk with a financial planner if you need help understanding insurance or investments. Get a lawyer when it's time to draw up a prenup or a will. Consider couples therapy as a way to help defuse major money conflicts.

Maintaining financial secrets takes energy and creates barriers to marital intimacy. If you're reading this and realizing that you may be the one withholding information, consider talking to your partner sooner rather than later. Start with a sincere apology, and be prepared for the trust that was lost to take a long time to rebuild. Showing you've thought about how to be more financially transparent in the future will be a good next step.