How to End a Relationship so it Doesn’t Crush Your Soul
You probably remember some journalists making fun of "Conscious Uncoupling" when actress Gwyneth Paltrow used the term to describe her separation from her husband, Chris Martin.
What you may have missed is that a number of prominent psychologists actually endorse the conscious uncoupling approach. In fact, the process includes many principles that have been part of marriage and divorce counseling for years. The five steps are:
Find emotional freedom
Reclaim your power and your life
Breaking the pattern, healing your heart
Becoming a love alchemist
Creating your “happy even after” life
Here are the highlights of what they recommend:
No Blame
Embrace the change. It’s great if you meet one partner who you want to spend your entire life with. At the same time, any relationship where you treat your partner well and emerge from it having learned something is a success, even if it doesn’t last forever. Focus on the quality of your connection rather than how long it lasted.
Be civil. Polite thoughts and words reinforce positive emotions. Make an effort to be kind. Being respectful towards each other will protect your peace of mind and make compassion flow more easily.
No Shame
Acknowledge your part. Both you and your partner played an active role in the ups and downs of your time together. Ask yourself whether you carried your share of the burdens, and how your behavior helped perpetuate the status quo.
Review your baggage. We all have some, and bring it with us when we enter into a new relationship. Use your breakup as an opportunity to recognize the patterns you’ve repeated over time. Engage in self-reflection. What are the similar ways past relationships have ended? Were your expectations based in a romantic ideal, or realistic? What can you do better the next time?
Get honest. Developing greater awareness of your thoughts, emotions, and where they came from will help you understand what you’re going through and how to cope. You’ll find that you can sit with your feelings AND take constructive action to move forward. Of course I’ll recommend knowing your Type preferences here - lmk if you want to talk about them.
Co-parent. The principles of conscious uncoupling works whether it’s just the two of you or if you have a kids. Accepting the change, being civil, and being accountable will put you in a better position to make arrangements that are in the best interest of your children.
Move Forward
Respect yourself. Treat yourself with compassion and kindness, and you will become more resilient. Your self-esteem will grow in proportion to how well you respect your boundaries.
Consider your next relationship. Honor your preferences and use your self awareness to adjust your search criteria. Going forward, realism, integrity, and kindness should matter more than idealism, looks, or social status. As you grow, allow your relationships to grow, too.
Work on your communication skills. Learn to speak up for what you need in the moment. Overcome your fear of rejection and abandonment. That doesn’t mean turn into an ego-monster! Just practice being compassionate AND direct. Remember, your partner isn’t a mind reader.
Stop comparing. Find joy in your abilities and achievements. Spend time with family and friends who lift your spirits. Get off of social media, and give yourself a pep talk. You are enough just as you are, no need to compare yourself to others.
Break ups are hard, but they don't have to be soul crushing. Everything is energy, and the love you once shared can absolutely transform into something new. If you're in the middle of the tough bits right now, I salute you. You can do this. Be cynical and rage against them if that's what feels right.
I hope you can hold space for your loving, peaceful future as well.
