How (and Why) to Set Boundaries when You’re a People-Pleaser

Real talk for a second, the majority of relationship advice is about how to create a closer connection. Falling in love! Staying in love! Keeping the fire burning! Peace, love, and harmony! Aren’t boundaries more like rules, meant to keep our partners at a distance? That’s not what we want, we want hugs!

Well, yes, boundaries are kinda like rules. Not to keep our partners at a distance, I would argue, but to keep ourselves happy, healthy, and strong. 

When we’re happy, healthy, and strong, we can love our partners better.

Boundaries look different for everyone.

If you have extraverted Feeling (Fe) preferences high up in your Type pattern, you’re probably more inclined to keep the peace and adapt your attitude than stand up for yourself. For most everyday situations, it’s no big deal. But for something you kinda feel strongly about, it can become an issue.

For example, what happens if you want to have a small wedding where everyone’s Covid tested and vaccinated, but your partner insists on inviting all the uncles from out of State who refuse to wear a mask?

If your mind is going “well, ok, if it’s that important to them, let them have their guests. It’s their day, too, and I can probably hide out behind the tent for most of it,” you might have a case of boundaryless Fe.

Drawing a line induces anxiety in people with Fe, because it’s going against our very nature of having connection. Our thought process can be quite binary: we’re either together, or apart.

Together = good. Apart = bad.

Bad is not good, so that bad feeling has to be stopped. We couldn’t possibly ask them to change their minds, so to get back to “together,” we have to change ours. Hey, but that’s not that bad! We can control that; we can change our mind and our behavior.

Ok, done. Feeling good again.

Maybe in the short term, but at what cost? 

When you habitually put other people’s wants and needs ahead of your own, you’re eroding your own self confidence and self esteem.

Your needs matter, too. 

So how can you get more comfortable setting a boundary without feeling disconnected?

Know your values

“If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” (rephrased from and attributed to Alexander Hamilton) Sometimes we don’t know what is important to us, until someone violates that value. If you’re not sure what your values are, next time you have a quiet moment, activate your introverted Feeling (Fi). Think about all the times you evaluate whatever is going on around you. Interactions you’ve had with friends and strangers, political headlines, things you see on social media. What makes you go “yay” or “nay?” Ask yourself, what is really important here? What would be an expression of your most authentic self?

Learn to listen to your intuition or your body

Your intuition or body are probably already sending you signals or sensations when something is going against your grain. This may be a little bell going off in your head, or your throat tickling with things you want to say, but don’t. If these happen in mid-conversation, it’s hard to stop the train and acknowledge that something’s going on. But as Viktor Frankl said, 

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Next time you feel that tickle, it’s ok to ask for a quick break. Say, “hang on, let me think about that for a second.” Run whatever is happening through your values filter, and say the thing.

Practice

Saying the thing is going to be the awkward part here. You’re not used to it, so the first few times you practice setting your boundary, it may come across too harsh, or make you feel super uncomfortable. You might start wondering if you’ve just made the biggest mistake ever.

Rest assured, your Fe brain is only trying to keep you safe from disconnection. You can take a breath, and weigh whether the line is worth drawing, and the boundary is worth setting.

Do a reality check. Is disagreeing with your partner (mother, boss, friend) really putting the whole relationship at risk? Or is not getting what they want making them uncomfortable, and you want to rescue them? Because that’s not your job, and they’re allowed to be uncomfortable, too, you know.

Without boundaries, you’ll give and give and give until there’s nothing left and you have nowhere to go but kaboom. Explode. Implode. Backed against the wall with no more resources. That kind of one-sided relationship has no future.

Although it feels counter-intuitive, setting boundaries is what will help your relationship thrive. Boundaries mean you get to show up as your whole authentic self, and so does your partner. The joy of building the relationship is respecting your differences, and communicating openly and honestly to better understand what each other needs. If you need help with that, it’s what I do.

Authentic boundaries = real relationship = all the hugs.

Promise.