Thoughts on Blending Families
As someone who was raised on the Brothers Grimm's stories as a kid, I can attest that fairy tales are basically horror stories about step-parents and step-children. To be honest, many Disney stories aren't much better. Although adults know that fairy tales sensationalize these situations, children may not know this. If those are the stories they go to sleep to, they may be frightened and resentful about any change of their family situation.
There are millions of successful and healthy blended families. Yours can be one of them! It takes all involved parents to make life easier for everyone by engaging in healthy, open, and regular communication.
Basically, it's the emotions of the children that determine how easy the blending of your family will be. If a parent has walked out of their lives, the children will feel confused, angry, and hurt.
If a parent passed away, the children may still be coping with grief. They may also be resentful of someone new coming in, as they see it, to take the place of the parent who died.
If there never was another parent, the children may be resentful of having to share their parent with someone else.
The most challenging situation involving children is when one or both parents use the children against the other parent. This is an emotional minefield, and there is little you can do about the situation except involve lawyers and spell everything out in contracts and agreements. Either way, the children are caught in the middle and their emotions will be volatile.
The “New” Parent
As the “new” parent, you probably have the biggest adjustment to parenthood. Yes, your partner will need to address the emotions of their children, but they know their children. You don’t.
Be aware of several dynamics which could affect your relationship with your partner:
You are not the parent, and older children will certainly be sure you know that, but you still have rights and responsibilities.
You have a right to be treated respectfully by both the children and your partner.
You have the responsibility to initiate communication with your partner when needed.
You’ll have the responsibility to engage in parental tasks such as transporting the children, keeping them clean, and feeding them. When and how much needs to be agreed upon by both you and your partner.
You’ll need to set limits and discipline your partner’s children. Use the communication tools with your partner to clarify what you can and can’t do.
Because you don’t have a history with the children, you might be more objective with them. If you haven’t been a parent before, you may not be aware of how quickly children can trigger emotions.
As much as possible, remember that much of what the children say and do is about them and not about you. However, how you respond to them is about you.
You can and, hopefully, will fall in love with the children. Being a step-parent can be enriching and fulfilling. The more adults who support and love the children, the better it is for them.
Being a new parent isn’t all responsibilities. If you can schedule some fun times for everyone, it will ease the transition and enhance your relationship with your partner as well.
The “Old” Parent
The parent who brings children into the relationship may not realize how difficult this may be for their children and their partner. Consider what you’re going through in adjusting to a new and loving situation.
Your children didn’t choose this. Your partner chose you, and the children came with the package. Not only are you primarily responsible for your children, you have a responsibility to your partner.
Being proactive in several areas will ease the adjustment for all:
Use your communication tools with your children, especially children of school age.
Ensure that they know what is expected of them regarding respect, boundaries, and chores.
Demonstrate your love for them through words and actions. Just as you have learned the “love language” of your partner, learn them for your children.
Be in continual communication with your partner about your children. Daily communication is preferable for the first few months.
Agree upon responsibilities.
Keep everyone aware of your schedule and the children’s schedules. This includes which parent is doing what.
Have fun together! Include your children and your partner in fun family activities.
Nurturing another life is one of the most fulfilling and difficult activities anyone can do. When children come with a new relationship, there are challenges to be addressed. As with all things, clear communication keeps your relationship strong.
Healthy parents working together for their children make it easier for blended families.
The children will still have challenges in adjusting to the new situation. When all involved communicate and support each other, as well as set clear boundaries, a potentially difficult situation can turn into an enriching experience.
Reflection
What are your greatest fears about bringing children into your relationship?
List the 5 greatest strengths you bring to parenthood. Elaborate on how you will use those strengths.
If there are children in your relationship, what areas do you and your partner need to address through Reflective Listening and clearing exercises?
