What is Self-Loss, and how can you fix it?
Recently, I've received two lovely email updates from two amazing people I worked with earlier this year. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear how people are getting on after we've worked together!
The one that fits today's topic contained the following paragraphs. For context, we went through a type verification process, but she found herself in between a couple of options. One seemed to be a closer fit, until she decided to take another look a few months later:
So many other little changes stuck out to me, and it was such a joy to go through the process again while comparing to my notes from the first time. In a couple years I imagine I’ll want to check again haha! But for now I really confidently feel like I’ve refined my understanding of myself and my true nature and I can’t express how grounding and gratifying it is for me to also be able to relate that understanding to a source and method such as this one.
I’m so happy I met you and went through this process with you. Thank you for the resources and for making this type of deeper understanding possible through the work you do.
(I know! She's so happy? I'M so happy!! Shared with permission, of course.)
The Problem with Self-Loss
This lovely email didn't just come at a great time to reassure me in my work, it also coincided with an article Apple News suggested, called "Are you experiencing self-loss? Here are 5 ways it can show up." (If you don't have Apple News this may be behind a paywall).
The author defines self-loss as follows:
Simply put: Self-loss is being estranged from and lacking congruence, resonance, and alliance with who we truly are.
It’s the feeling of being inconsistent and inauthentic – of having our actions, feelings, and decisions cease to represent how we understand and experience ourselves as ‘truly’ being.
Self-loss is often why we fail to communicate and set boundaries, why we hold on to beliefs that no longer serve us, why we struggle in relationships, why we are overwhelmed or scared to make decisions, why self-love is so goddamn difficult, and finally, why so many of us fail to find meaning and purpose in our lives. (...)
Self-loss, in its most basic function, restricts our ability to be our Self. It is one of the most painful human experiences – an invisible suffering that colours every aspect of our lives.
(Emphasis mine.)
She goes on to explain how self-loss shows up in
inability to regulate emotions (e.g. avoiding overwhelm by numbing, instead of articulating and processing)
disconnection from our bodies (e.g. ignoring physical signals for nutrition, rest, sexual safety)
unhealthy, unhappy relationships (e.g. normalizing abuse, codependence, eroding boundaries)
lack of "inner consent" (e.g. acting on an unintentional autopilot instead of in alignment with personal goals, values, deep resonance)
"meaning and morality" (e.g. building a life based on predefined ideas of what success or right-ness looks like, without questioning our own thoughts and feelings)
That sounds really scary.
Here are some of my thoughts on this piece.
If you've recognized yourself in one or two of these five points, don't panic.
I think we all go through phases of growth and development where we have to let go of who we were to become who we are meant to be. Phases where we have to add to our usual modus operandi, i.e. how we work, and some of those new behaviors are refined over a period of trial and error.
That's change, and that can feel disconcerting. Going through midlife myself I know that I've noticed some new cognitive and psychological stuff coming up, and I'm so grateful to have type as a lens through which to filter and understand it. From that perspective, my Self is a somewhat constant grounding center, but from that center I also grow and expand with my experiences. Jung called it the points on his inner compass.
We've also all been in situations where that one partner wasn't the best choice, or maybe our bosses aren't creating safe or creative workspaces, and we need to veg out in front of the TV with a pint of choc chip for a weekend. (We can talk about why that's not actually self-care another time.)
Point being, your Self may not be lost per se, it might just be hiding for a bit of a break before it comes out and rises again.
However, if you're silently honestly nodding to yourself for three, four, or all of these 5 points, it might be time to send out a search party.
The fix, of course, is Self awareness.
I've led a lot of those search parties myself, even got a nifty helmet with that little light on, and a belt full of tools ready to go.
I'd love to help you get to know who you are today by exploring how you like to process information, make decisions, interpret situations, in short, how you like to use your mind, as explained by your psychological type. A type verification is called a Self discovery process for a reason.
Going back to that lovely email from earlier, the way she described her recognition of who she is at her core, "I really confidently feel like I've refined my understanding of myself and my true nature and I can't express how grounding and gratifying it is" - that is the feeling I want everyone to experience at least once in their lifetime. Confident and Grounded in Your True Nature. Seen for who you are, and fully accepted. Because that feeling stays with you, and it will give you strength for years to come.
Side note, although she's giving me a lot of credit for providing her with the tools (I passed that piece on to Dr. Linda Berens who came up with the method), she's the one who made the time to engage with them. In this instance, I didn't even have to be in the room! Which is also something I love very much, actually, because a coaching process is supposed to be finite. My purpose with coaching is empowering you to continue on your path, even after we've reached our goals together.
That's not to say some things don't take time to sort through; a type self discovery process can't be rushed, and there are likely to be questions like "now what does it all mean" and how would you apply the newfound insights. But all the tools and exercises we discuss are yours to keep in your private Notion client portal, and they're there to revisit whenever necessary, as she did so beautifully.
PS: Interested in something more tailored to you and your relationship, but not ready for coaching? I'd still love to support you! Here are some resources you might find helpful:
🎥 Your Core Type -> Self-Discovery Video ($47)
