Healthier, Happier Relationships are an Inside Job

I hope you have a minute to spend with me here and that you don't have to rush off, because I want to ask you a really important question.

You might even want to take a deep breath to help slow down your thoughts and bring your creative prefrontal cortex online for this.

Ready?

If anything were possible quickly, easily, and now, and if you knew you couldn’t fail, and that everyone would benefit and be thrilled for you, what would you really desire when it comes to your relationship?

I'm going to invite you to sit with that for a moment, journal it down somewhere if you like. And since I know there are a lot of Catalysts or xNFx types among you, let me highlight the "everyone would benefit AND BE THRILLED FOR YOU" piece.

What would you really desire when it comes to your relationship(s)? Without the judgment of anyone, without feeling like you're disappointing anyone, without feeling incompetent or hemmed in or uncertain, without should-ing all over yourself?

Yes, this is a mental exercise, but can you pay attention to your body for a second? What do you notice about your posture? What do you notice about your facial muscles, are you frowning? Smiling? What emotions are you noticing, are they pleasant or unpleasant? Do they feel more exciting or more calming?

These kinds of possibility questions active our extraverted Intuiting function, so they might feel a little easier or more fun for people with an xNxP in their type code. Still, what I hope you were able to experience with this exercise is that even though the current reality of your relationship(s) may look different, the feeling of joy, love, acceptance, ease, harmony, satisfaction, connection, excitement, belonging in your ideal relationship(s) is available to you now.

Dipping into this feeling is an important first step. It serves to realign your nervous system into getting comfortable with what you actually desire.

Much of our current relationships are based on patterns and schemas we adopted as children, grounded in the kind of love and relationship we saw our caregivers model for us, but also built on the kind of love and relationship we received from them and therefore experienced as "normal" in our childhood.

If you grew up in a loving household with secure, supportive parents, you're probably doing fine. However, if you grew up in a household with emotionally immature parents, if you didn't receive love in a way that made you feel secure, supported, or seen, that is the kind of love pattern you are likely to repeat in the partners you seek. And after years of dating unavailable, unsatisfying, unhappy-making people, your mind will have matured out of this cycle and be ready to get unstuck out of these cycles - but your nervous system is still set to experiencing the immature chaos as "normal", sabotaging your efforts from the inside.

Healthier, happier relationships are an inside job

So, how can we help our nervous system to level up and support us feeling safe in new, healthier, happier relationships?

We start to take action from a new level of identity.

Ready for the next question?

Which parts of you are coming to the surface as you're sitting and really experiencing these feelings of your ideal relationship life in this present now?

Who would you have to become at an identity level to experience these feelings more often and more naturally? What kinds of characteristics, thoughts, and behaviors would help you become more of this person?

Recent research into the parasympathetic nervous system, the one that helps us rest, digest, heal, and repair is showing that our brain and body are actually quite connected. Yes, the brain may be the VIP in organizing and managing our physical systems, but our gut bacteria and our sensory fibers are the pieces that send the message to the brain about what needs managing in the first place.

What I've learned during my Masters program is that our brain creates our reality at any given time, e.g. by how our memories get distorted and how we pay attention to certain things over others. And since there is brain plasticity, you can teach your neurons to fire differently by thinking new thoughts.

But you can't think yourself out of a nervous system that is used to neglect, chaos, or emotional unavailability. You have to teach it that vulnerability is safe. Love, connection, satisfaction is safe. Having your needs met, your concerns heard, your self acknowledged and appreciated is safe. And no, all these new things won't feel safe right away, but with practice, it will be easier to stay regulated. And if in a moment of weakness or overwhelm you fall back into old habits, you'll be able to get yourself out of them - and re-regulate - faster.

So, who would you have to become at an identity level to experience these feelings more often and more naturally?

Pay attention to your body again. What do you notice about your posture now? About your facial muscles, your shoulders, your chest, your belly?

If there's any discomfort, this is where you signal your nervous system that you're safe. You're sitting on a chair, or comfortable on your couch, and you are right now in this moment absolutely fine and safe. But if you're feeling e.g. rapid heart beat or shallow breathing, here are some ideas to help your vagus nerve. That's the main cranial nerve or information highway, if you will, between your body, your gut, and your brain.

Vagus nerve exercises

• You could hug yourself and sway back and forth for a little.

• You could sing a song you like, ideally something with an uplifting message not like death metal stuff.

• You could close your eyes and say "OM" out loud, or hum something.

• You could go for a walk in nature (without listening to a podcast, just walking).

Once you feel settled, try again and let your subconscious come up with an answer.

Who would you have to become to experience these feelings more naturally, and what would be the next small thing you would do?

How would the version of you that 100% knows that you desire (healthy, happy, loving, supportive, whatever came up for you with the first question) authentically behave?

How would the you who is completely certain and ready to receive (your ideal relationship desires) show up? What would they do next?

Journal that down and let it sink in over the next few days. You might even want to prepare yourself to receive the kinds of love you seek - look out for small signs of a shift in the air. Maybe setting a boundary will feel a little lighter, maybe taking a chance and asking someone out will feel a little easier. I'm rooting for you. ❤️✨

If you’d like support in any of these exercises, I’m available for 1:1 coaching.