What’s your definition of cheating?
I know this is a potentially triggering question for some of you, especially if you have been cheated on in the past. I am not going to make light of the fact; the secrecy and betrayal inherent in cheating are potentially very harmful indeed.
But since infidelity has been around since the moment after committed relationships were invented, I would like to offer some context as to why it may be so prevalent, and give you some questions to discuss with your partner. They will help to put your monogamous relationship on a hopefully more stable, and definitely more transparent footing.
Cultural Context
Most of us live in a society where serial monogamy is the expected and legally sanctioned relational practice.
Serial monogamy, because we no longer expect people to only ever have one intimate partner for life (aka super-monogamy, i.e. staying single even if you’re widowed at 27), but the unspoken rule is to have one intimate partner at a time.
Legally sanctioned, because infidelity is a common cause for divorce in the West, and still holds more severe penalties (including death) in other countries. Even in the United States, there are 15 States with fault-based divorce jurisdictions. These adultery laws can impact alimony and custody settlements, and e.g. in Rhode Island, adulterers can be fined $500 (source: https://law.justia.com/codes/rhode-island/2021/title-11/chapter-11-6/section-11-6-2/).
Legal consequences are rarely on the cheater’s mind, and the person who is cheated on usually experiences a whole host of emotional reactions before they consider their options of whether to continue the relationship. Also, these legal recourses are only open to married individuals, not to couples who have been dating or cohabiting for years.
Why do people cheat?
Staying faithful to one partner “until death parts us” has become a lot more challenging in the last couple of centuries. One reason is that thanks to modern medicine, improved nutrition, and clean sanitation, we now live many more years, nay, decades longer than our predecessors could ever fathom.
For another, marriage used to be about lands, not love, with monogamy ensuring clear lines of property inheritance. Today, marriage combines expectations of love, sex, friendship, support, healing, and parenting into one person - all roles that we used to share among our community or extended family.
Today, your partner is supposed to be your soul mate. This romantic notion of marriage includes that if you truly love someone, you won’t be attracted to anyone else. Unfortunately, attraction and arousal don’t obey moral or cultural norms, and human relationships, both biologically and psychologically-speaking, simply don’t work that way.
In addition, many people experience having to be the single responsible person for their partner’s happiness as a lot of pressure. That pressure builds up over time, and without proper maintenance or pro-social coping mechanisms, that partner might try to rebel, escape, or re-connect to their sense of self by blowing up the relationship with an extra-marital affair.
While cheating can have a sexual and / or an emotional component, opportunities for cheating used to be limited by physical proximity, e.g. the stranger in the hotel bar while on a business strip, or the neighbor, colleague, acquaintance with a place to meet nearby.
Social networks and internet-based technology have made online infidelity a lot more wide-spread, and they’ve made the question about what constitutes infidelity or cheating a lot more nuanced.
Again, I want to acknowledge that this topic might be very uncomfortable for some of you. After an affair is revealed, there are many natural reactions. One of them might be, “I had no idea they were so unhappy, why didn’t they say something before stepping out on me?”
That is absolutely true and a great question.
What is also true is that voicing the thought of “hey, I think I might be unhappy” is very, very difficult. Because monogamy is so deeply engrained in our upbringing and our understanding of relationships, because all the soul-mate expectations are stuffed into one romantic relationship, unhappiness in the one area you’re supposed to enjoy only with your spouse (i.e. sex) can understandably be seen as a threat to the relationship as a whole.
What do you consider cheating?
Given that we live in a mononormative society where, as described above, monogamy is the unspoken but expected rule of relationships, we can easily assume that our partner is on the same page. But believe me when I say, just like our personality types, our definitions of what constitutes cheating can also be very different.
Which brings me to the questions I suggest you ponder for yourself, and then discuss with your partner:
Is your partner cheating if they’re watching porn by themselves?
Is your partner cheating if they’re masturbating?
Is your partner cheating if they’re chatting with old flames from 20 years ago?
Is your partner cheating if they’re flirting and / or dancing with someone else? What if you know that they’re a great big extraverted flirt, and that is just a big part of what makes them who they are?
Is your partner cheating if they’re getting massages “with a happy ending”?
Is your partner cheating if he’s hooking up with someone in a different city?
Is it cheating if your partner has physical contact with someone else, and then tells you about it?
Why have this conversation?
Regardless of whether it’s online or IRL (in real life), the American Psychological Association dictionary notes that:
Infidelity has been linked to significant adverse emotional and behavioral consequences, especially for the individual who is cheated on, including decreased self-esteem and increased risk of depression and suicide.
Talking about your expectations and your boundaries out loud will help both of you know what “the rules” are, which will reduce any uncertainty around what is “allowed” or not. Being transparent about your expectations and boundaries is the first step to avoid a breach of trust. Your partner cannot read your mind, and they may have a different understanding of what constitutes a transgression.
What if your ideas of monogamy aren’t aligned?
Cheating or infidelity is defined as a secretive sexual or emotional involvement with someone outside the couple (whether married or otherwise committed).
Many therapists report that patients who were cheated on may be able to forgive the sex, but they cannot forgive the lying and breach of trust. Research studies also indicate that communication is a deciding factor. Grunt-Mejer and Campbell (2016) asked 375 participants to rate monogamy, polyamory, open, swinging, and cheating as relationship styles. Monogamy was rated highest, followed by polyamory; swinging and open tied. Interestingly, cheating was consistently rated below all mean scores. This indicates that consenting to a relationship agreement involving sex outside the relationship was considered more important than the sexual activity itself.
You might know that I’ve published research into the stigma and resilience of consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships. CNM is an umbrella term for relationship practices where partners explicitly discuss agreements on how to meet sexual or emotional needs outside of the couple. Yes, these may include sex with other people, and by definition, CNM is not cheating, because all involved parties are informed and consent.
If you’ve been feeling restless in your marriage, or if “settling down” has always been hard for you, I’m hosting a webinar you might be interested in. The information is geared towards those who are curious about alternatives to monogamy, and how to start having that conversation. Read more and get your tickets here.
