What Your Type Differences Are Actually Telling You

Here's something I find fascinating: we so often fall in love with our opposite.

The structured planner falls for the spontaneous free spirit. The quiet introvert falls for the warm, social extravert. The feeling-led romantic falls for the coolly analytical intellectual.

Many people call this chemistry, but from a Jungian perspective, it's not random at all: we're unconsciously drawn to someone who embodies what our own psyche is trying to develop. Our opposite Type holds something we need.

The irony is that the very differences that attracted us are the ones that later make us wonder: are we even compatible?

I've lived this. My husband has INTP preferences, mine are ENFJ. So today, let's talk about three of the most common Type-based friction points, and following up from the last letter, what differentiation can look like in each one.

Different recharging needs (Introversion / Extraversion)

You have extraversion preferences and recharge through connection with your partner and/or others. Your partner prefers introversion and needs a lot of alone time.

Merged partners might say: "I'll just push through and be social even though I'm exhausted, because if I don't, they'll feel rejected."

Differentiated partners might say: "I need to recharge alone tonight. I know that's different from what you need, and that might be disappointing to you. I'm still here. I still love you. And I need this."

You don't have to make their feelings your responsibility to fix. You can acknowledge them, andhold your boundary.

Since this is something I’ve experienced a lot in my marriage early on, I can say it wasn’t an easy transition, but my response eventually became differentiated to “ok, you stay here, and I’m still going to go out and meet people!” This is absolutely possible. And then the fun thing next morning is sharing what happened and telling him about my conversations etc. Not gonna lie, living in a society where couples are expected to do everything together can also trigger conversations with others, e.g. concerned friends or traditional family members, which can get a little annoying. Let me know if that resonates.

Different processing styles (Thinking / Feeling, or just different rhythms)

You process feelings by talking them out immediately. Your partner processes by sitting with them quietly for a day or two.

Merged partners might say: "If they don't want to talk right now, that means they don't care. I would never shut down if they were hurting."

Differentiated partners might say: "I want to talk about this now, and I see that you need time to think. That's hard for me because my brain wants to process out loud. Can we agree on a time later when we'll come back to this?"

You can name your need and respect theirs. You don't have to collapse into their preference or force them into yours. Again, I can share from personal experience that this absolutely works. In the time my INTP man goes away to think, I get to practice Self-regulation so I do something I like, e.g. read a novel, journal, go for a walk, listen to music. And then he holds up his end of the bargain and we come back together and talk whenever we said we would.

Different values

You value spontaneity and adventure. Your partner values stability and planning.

Merged partners might say: "I'll stop suggesting spontaneous trips because they always say no and I'm tired of feeling like the difficult one who's asking for too much."

Differentiated partners might say: "I love spontaneity, and I know you love planning. Can we find a way to honor both? Maybe we can plan a trip where we leave half the days open for spontaneous exploring?"

You don't have to try to change them or sacrifice yourself. You're creating space for both of you to exist. Again, if you’re ready to eschew societal expectations, you are also totally allowed to take separate vacations!

What all three of these have in common is that nobody disappears. Sometimes you might find a compromise that doesn't suck, and if not, you might do things separately and it doesn't have to spell the end of the relationship.

How does differentiation make a relationship more intimate, not less?

I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but when you're differentiated, you can show up as your full self. You're not performing a version of you that you think your partner wants. You're not hiding the parts that might be inconvenient.

And when you do that, when you show up fully, you give them permission to do the same. Suddenly, you're not two people trying to be one, but two whole people choosing to be together.

That's intimacy: Choosing each other while still being yourself, warts and all. But yeah, nobody said this was easy.

The relational skill or capacity you have to grow

Differentiation requires tolerating discomfort, and genuine open curiosity about your partner. Here are some ways I've categorized my discomfort through this growth process:

• When your partner is upset and you don't immediately fix it or absorb their emotion

• When you speak up about a need that differs from theirs, knowing it might disappoint them

• When you let them make a decision you wouldn't make, and you have to watch them experience the consequences without rescuing them

• When they tell you something you don't want to hear, but that is true for them

So - that discomfort is where your growth is, because you're learning: We can be different and still be together. We can disappoint each other and still be loved. We can have conflict and still be safe.

Whatever is uncomfortable for you is in part informed by many factors, including your Type preferences, childhood experiences, and current context. Self awareness, reflection, and coaching or therapy can help you figure out which is which.

Again, the paradox is that when both people are differentiated, you actually have a more authentic, closer bond, because you're not wasting energy managing each other's feelings or hiding parts of yourself. You can disagree without it threatening the relationship. You can want different things without it being a discussion on whether the relationship is "working." You can be two separate people who choose to build a life together, instead of two people clinging to each other out of habit or fear of being alone.

Crucially, you can let your differences complement one another.

But it’s not how romanticism works, and it’s certainly not what we’ve seen modeled in songs, poetry, or media of any kind. I’ll also venture that it’s not realistic to expect for most relationships in your 20s and maybe 30s, but if you’re together for a decade or more, and if you’re in your 40s and 50s (i.e. when individuation is kicking in), consciously working these threads out for yourself and your relationship can be life-changing.

To sum up, your differences aren't proof that you chose the wrong person. They're an invitation to practice the hardest and most rewarding relational skill there is: staying yourself, while staying curious about them.

Invitation

Think of the difference between you and your partner that irritates you most. What would it look like if that difference was trying to teach you something?