Why do we need Relationship & Intimacy Coaches?
Because we need safe spaces from the stigma and shame that hit us 24/7 and from all sides.
I participated in a 5-day marketing exercise a couple of weeks ago, where a group of therapists and I talked about our practices and what we were hoping to achieve. The questions that opened the biggest door in my mind were, “why aren’t there more sex-positive / consent-forward / pleasure-focused relationship coaching practices already?” and “what would change if there were?”
Why aren’t there more people talking about this?
If you’ve been in a new romantic relationship, you probably noticed and commented on differences in your taste in food, music, TV shows, how to spend a weekend.
Once you’ve moved in together, you might have discussed their hygiene habits with your friends (just to get confirmation that their way is weird, i.e. different from yours).
Your very good friends probably know all about your amazing sex life as well - but do you also tell them the not-so-amazing stuff?
Every relationship has known issues that people can talk about freely, and issues that they might be aware of, but don’t know how to talk about.
The average couple waits seven years before seeking help, i.e. talking to someone whose job it is to facilitate these kinds of conversations.
It’s absolutely understandable. Admitting you need help with mental or emotional health still carries a taboo, but if it involves intimacy or sex issues, even more so.
I don’t know anyone who received non-stigmatizing sex education as a child, where it wasn’t all about which diseases you could catch or how life-destroying unplanned pregnancies would be. Not to mention the entire religious apparatus scaring teenagers about touching themselves for pleasure. As Dani Faith Leonard writes in her Adult Sex Ed newsletter,
Speaking of anti-masturbation: sex ed in the United States began as an anti-masturbation movement, and in many places, it hasn’t evolved much. Sex education isn’t nationally mandated, and only 26 states require it to be medically accurate.
(That fun little fact easily made it into my top 10 list of f*cking absurd things I heard today, so there you go.)
Unfortunately, since coaches and therapists are also human people (last I checked), we grew up in the same shame-soup as everyone else and have to do our own work to get through this stuff to be able to hold it for others. It’s not for everyone, and if you’ve sought help and were met with more shame, I’m so sorry that happened to you. If you’re a helper and want to get trained, I recommend ATSIP.
The problem with stigmatizing sexual intimacy in any way is not only that we’re given incorrect education, or limited training as a professional, or that it makes maintaining long-term romantic relationships so challenging:
Stigma at this cultural and structural level also literally makes people sick. Feeling stigmatized raises your blood pressure, your inflammation markers, it increases anxiety (because you feel like you have to keep secrets, which adds a tremendous cognitive load) as well as depression (because you feel lonely and disconnected).
What would change if we did?
Talking more about sex and intimacy would help people have more good sex.
Kelsey Clarke wrote an essay about how today’s hookup culture is hurting people’s ability to experience good sex, because it doesn’t encourage them to consciously choose a) to do what feels right to them, sexually, or b) which meaning, if any, to assign to the interaction.
Expanding our ability to make conscious choices is my whole jam, baby! Stop those automatic tapes running!
Learning how to have awkward conversations about sex and intimacy would help people develop relational capacity.
It becomes easier to stay connected to yourself while being in connection with your partner when you know how to slow things down without getting overwhelmed, reactive, or escalate into conflict.
I’d also like to think we’d have fewer consent violations, because everyone involved knows that a “yes” actually means “yes”, not “if I have to”.
Reducing stigma of any kind at structural and interpersonal levels would reduce a number of psychopathologies.
I’ve quoted Mark Hatzenbuehler a bunch in my own research, in case you want to read more about those studies.
Do any of these sound familiar?
Here’s a brief list of experiences I’ve discussed with people over the last six months:
that time he couldn’t get hard and she didn’t know what to say and then he shut down completely
that time she experienced sex pain and didn’t want to make a big deal about it, so she didn’t say anything, but now it’s 3 years later and she still clamps up at the first sign of anything because she’s afraid it’ll hurt again
that time she was totally in the mood but her partner wasn’t, and she felt so rejected and started to question if they still loved her or found her attractive at all
those concerns about using porn he wasn’t even really admitting to himself
wanting to ask for something specific in bed but not wanting to look like a freak
just really not being in the mood to do it with their partner anymore at all, like, ever - but feeling very attracted to their friend
If you’d like to learn how to have these or similar conversations, I’m planning a series of “Intimacy Mini-Labs” where we’ll go through experiments and practices. If you haven’t already, subscribe to the newsletter below to get the details.
