How much do you (want to) know your partner?
When you were first dating, you probably wanted to get to know everything about each other. You telephoned, you texted, you dated. You talked. You listened. You learned.
When was the last time you connected to see if anything had changed about your and your partner's
Hopes and dreams?
Feelings?
What’s important?
What makes you hurt?
What makes you laugh?
What makes you feel good?
What’s most meaningful in life?
What they want from you?
What you need from them?
Many couples I know, once they've been together for a while, and especially when there's children involved, talk mostly about coordinating activities, and figuring out what's for dinner.
Here's an invitation to stay curious about your partner as a person as time goes on. I believe that as long as you have the desire to know more about each other, you'll live a fulfilling life together.
People change
When dating, you have a tendency to be on your best behavior. That can change when you’re together all the time, busy running your lives.
You become used to each other and maybe aren’t super polite all the time. You think the “getting to know you” phase is over.
It's easy to forget that you are both changing and there is always something new to learn about each other.
The Power of Paying Attention
The only way you can learn more about someone is to listen. Listening in the sense that your full attention is on your partner. You’re not thinking about what you have to do next. You’re not even thinking about what your response will be to what they’re saying.
💡The greatest motivation for someone to share is for you to listen.
As you listen, they will talk. They will share their lives with you because you’re demonstrating your desire to hear them with acceptance.
The Art of Questioning
There is a difference between asking questions and interrogating. You want to learn about your partner, not put them on the spot.
Find a time when they're receptive. Many people need time to decompress when they come home from work before they can interact meaningfully. Give them that time, and ask for it if you need it.
It might be helpful to start by taking some time to think about how you have changed over the years you have been together.
Are your love languages still the same, or have they shifted? Maybe you used to love words of affirmation, but now acts of service feel more helpful.
Are your career aspirations still the same, or do you maybe want to go back to school? Sometimes, we get on a path towards a future we want when we're 25, but in our 30s and 40s our priorities shift and the future we've been working towards no longer looks appealing.
Are your hobbies still fulfilling you, or have you just been going through the motions? What about your friend groups? Is it time to dip your toe into different waters to shake things up a bit?
When asking your partner, use open-ended questions. Those that can't be answered with a simple "yes" or "no," but that invite further exploration. If they don’t answer immediately, wait for a bit before trying to fill in the space.
You can tackle the list at the beginning of this post, or try something like:
What was the best part of your day today?
What's one thing you would change about your current job? Why is that? What is it about that it would improve your life?
Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years? How can I help you get there?
When talking with your partner, give them your full attention. No looking at the phone, telephone, or mail.
💞If all goes well, you’ll be learning about each other the rest of your lives.
Establishing a good foundation for communicating will assist during those times of change. Being open and attentive, as well as asking open-ended questions at times conducive to sharing, are excellent strategies no matter how you each change.
