The Difference between Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Communication
Last week, we covered some of the natural differences in the ways people are energized, make decisions, notice social cues, and relate to the world. These differences affect the way they communicate.
Now let's look at four ways of communication and when to use them.
A Word on Cultural Differences
We've kind of focused on personal differences from a personality and temperament standpoint, and how that affects the way people relate to their world. We’ve not yet talked about cultural differences, but of course they exist. They're the context we swim in.
It’s important to acknowledge that there are differences. For instance, in Western cultures, people are taught to look each other in the eye when speaking. If you don’t, you’re thought to be dishonest or not paying attention.
In Eastern cultures, it’s considered rude to look people in the eye. Not looking people in the eye is considered a sign of respect and of humility. Depending on where you are from, and where your partner is from, you may have ample opportunity to discover how each of you interprets certain things differently.
Four Ways to Communicate and When to Use Them
If you’ve read about different communication styles, you’ve probably read the words “healthy” and “unhealthy” to describe particular ways of communicating. Rather than using those words, let’s use the terms “appropriate” and “inappropriate.”
An appropriate communication style achieves its goal in the given situation.
Passive: Not Saying What’s on Your Mind
When you sit back and don’t express your opinions, desires, or needs, you’re being passive. You may not get what you want, but you also don’t rock the boat.
There are times when it’s appropriate to be passive:
You’re not interested in others knowing your opinion. Some people enjoy gathering information and learning about others.
When the time just isn’t right. Certain situations may require you wait until another time to express yourself. For example, if your partner is having a bad day, you may want to hold off on relating bad news. Just ensure you do have that conversation.
Expressing yourself is dangerous. You don’t want to escalate the situation. Being passive may prevent a bad situation from getting worse.
Being passive in your communication may cause challenges, such as:
If you don’t speak up, others won’t know what you think or want.
Your partner may become frustrated because they don’t know what’s important to you. This can negatively affect emotional intimacy.
Your partner may feel unappreciated or unimportant because they feel that you’re not expressing yourself because you don’t trust them.
When you don’t stand up for yourself, others may take advantage of you.
When you project yourself as being unimportant, other people, even your partner, may think less of your needs and focus on their needs.
When you’re passive most of the time, you reinforce within you that you aren’t important. This makes it more difficult for you to set healthy boundaries.
Standing up for yourself is a skill. It’s also a muscle you need to exercise.
When you’re reluctant to stand up for yourself, fear and anxiety can prevent you from taking care of yourself.
Aggressive: This Is the Way It Is
When you’re aggressive in stating your needs or opinions, you do so in such a way that leaves no room for people to express their needs or opinions. You give off an energy which says you don’t care about others.
There are times you want to express yourself in such a way that you don’t care about what the other person wants:
If someone is taking advantage of you, you want to tell them to stop in a no-nonsense way. People who take advantage of others may not listen unless your message is given in a direct, aggressive manner.
You may be speaking aggressively to your partner if you feel they aren’t paying attention to your needs. It's hard to control in the heat of the moment.
When confronting a bully, you need to speak in an aggressive manner. Bullies act from a place of insecurity and fear.
Passive Aggression: The Passive Way to Being Hostile
If you’re using the passive aggressive style, you’re expressing your hostility without seeming to. It's the fake-friendly dance many couples fall into over time.
If you see some of the following actions in your relationship, it’s time to have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner:
Saying you’ll do something but “forgetting.” This is a common, and sometimes unconscious, passive-aggressive behavior.
Refusing to speak when angry, also known as “the cold shoulder.” This behavior increases feelings of separation.
Using sarcasm to mock or ridicule. Although sarcasm can sometimes be funny, when used regularly it demonstrates hostility or a lack of respect for the individual.
Hiding aggression so that it’s difficult to confront, such as:
Talking behind your partner's back
Mumbling so they can hear your voice but not understand your words
Assertive: Letting People Know What You Want
If you're using the assertive style, you're expressing your thoughts and feelings in a factual, non-judgmental, authentic way. You take responsibility for your part in the interaction, and there is no blaming or shaming involved.
Being assertive in your communication is the most effective way to express your needs and opinions.
Some characteristics of the assertive style are:
Telling people in a respectful and direct manner what you want them to know
Stating calmly what you need
Expressing your opinion without putting anyone down
Over to you - which is your go-to way of communicating? Which one is your partner's?
Reflection
List five times you’ve used the Passive communication style. Was this effective? Why or why not?
List five times you’ve used the Aggressive communication style. Was this effective? Why or why not?
List five times you’ve used the Passive-Aggressive communication style. Was this effective in communicating your needs? Why or why not?
List five times you’ve used the Assertive communication style. Was this effective? Why or why not?
