What are your Non-Negotiables?
Now that we've established change is inevitable, let's make sure you don't lose your footing completely and explore what is most important to you. Some of these may be measurable, such as how you spend your time together. Others may be a little more difficult to pin down, such as respect or fairness.
If you've been reading my messages over the last few months, you’ve gained insight into yourself and your partner. But maybe you haven't yet had the actual "out loud" conversation about topics that are important to you. If so, what are you waiting for?
Here are some of the topics we've covered:
Is monogamy important to both of you? You may have that assumption, but your partner might not. Take a look back at our chat about outside friendships to get you started.
Do you want to have children together? We've talked about blending families. Do you want to have children of your own?
How are your finances looking, is money a source of discontent? Revisit the post on financial fidelity for more.
Are you on the same page regarding dealings with extended family, moving house, or household chores? These are all sensitive subjects, so maybe refresh your memory with these communication tips.
What are your non-negotiables?
Do you have to have four children? Do you just have to live in Tokyo? Is there no way you will ever set foot in a church? Is your absolute dream to run for public office, with a loving and supportive husband by your side?
Sharing what your non-negotiables are is ideally something you discuss before you get married. I know, it's hard to pick the right time, because you don't want to scare anyone off by talking about your long-term dreams on the second date when you're not even sure if it's going to last beyond dinner yet.
Especially since dreams change over time, and what you think you want now may not be what you want after ten years together. So how to manage this? Continuous introspection to be clear on your needs, and continuous open communication with your partner throughout your relationship. Simple, but not easy.
If you're not sure about your hard lines, think about what your values are. What informs your way of life? What's your motto? What beliefs and behaviors would you want to pass on to your children?
Where would you compromise?
Once you know your boundaries, and your partner is on board, much of the rest can be negotiated. I'm not going to give you a list of things to tick off and discuss, because that would be endless. Rather, I encourage you to practice reflective listening skills as you go through your lives together, and let those areas where you disagree inform your way.
Is there something you fight a lot about? Is it because your non-negotiables are being tested, or is it something less severe?
Compromise and flexibility are part of every relationship. What areas are you willing to be flexible about? Can you live with visiting your in-laws every summer, if your partner takes care of all the laundry all the time? Can you live with moving around every three years, if you get to retire at a location of your choice?
Reflection
Make a list of topics you haven’t yet discussed with your partner but believe are important.
What are the non-negotiables in your relationship? Why are these important to you?
What are your partner’s non-negotiables? Why are these important?
